What is Fear?

The most common FEAR acronym I’ve heard is False Evidence Appearing Real. A few others I’ve come across are:

• Failure Expected And Received
• Few Ever Arrive Rejoicing
• Frustration Ego Anxiety Resentment
• F**k Everything And Run

Fear is not a useless emotion. It is something that we feel because our body is telling us that something isn’t right. It can sometimes serve as a signal that we need to take action or change something. Fear keeps us from being open to change and if we do not change, we do not grow. A wise friend of mine once said, “If nothing changes, nothing changes.”

The problem is when fear becomes all encompassing, it begins to interfere with our daily life and eventually becomes so much a part of our existence that we stop being the way we want to be and we no longer live the life we want for ourselves. Fear gets in the way of how we make choices, how we treat others (and ourselves), and how much we are able to practice acceptance of what is.

You may have heard that Fear is the opposite of Love, but I consider Fear to be the opposite of Faith.

When I have faith, I am trusting that everything is happening just as it should. When I feel anxiety coming on, I recognize that it’s my fear and my desire to control the outcome of things. When the outcome is not what I wanted or expected, I feel disappointment and notice that my self-confidence goes down. It’s a vicious cycle, that gets me nowhere instead of now here.

My process for snapping back into faith mode and out of fear mode is:

• Check in and ask myself if what I’m thinking is real
• Take deep breaths to get out of my head and more present
• Feel and observe any emotional discomfort in my body
• Be mindful to what is actually happening instead of what I’m creating with my thoughts
• Repeat the mantra: TRUST and repeat over and over again in my mind
• Most importantly, BELIEVE that things are occurring just as they should
• Lastly, KNOW that all is good and that I am okay right where I am

Why Community?

The older we get the more we realize that service to others is the only way to stay happy. If we do nothing to benefit others we will do nothing to benefit ourselves.

~Carl Holmes – Politician

When Root&Connect came to mind, one of the things I thought would be an essential part of the program (or therapy) was the Community piece. If you look at the Root&Connect tree, you will see that the pinky finger has two people holding hands as a symbol for community. 

Through my own experiences in battling with depression, I went through various phases of acknowledging what it was, accepting that I had it, and finally learning how to overcome it by learning how to manage it in my life.  I discovered that doing for others was one of the best remedies to fend off depression and often times the anxiety that came along with it.

My path led me to join various groups and organizations where I could feel a sense of community while also becoming involved with things that I felt passionate about such as meditation, yoga, and gardening. Most recently, I have also decided to become a mentor for a child who is part of a mentoring program that serves children who have an incarcerated parent.

These are ways that I feed my spirit, as well as, take part in something that gives back and encourages me to connect with other like-minded givers. There is something inspiring and transformational about being part of a community of people who come together to serve with the sole purpose of doing good for others.

I see becoming part of a community as one of the keys to feeling true fulfillment, happiness, and health. When my clients begin to figure out what they enjoy or what makes them truly feel happy, I encourage them to get involved in it even it doesn’t mean that they are giving back in any particular way. Sometimes, the person they are needing to give back to most is their own self, and what better way to do this than by doing something they love that makes them feel good inside.

If you are someone who struggles with depression or anxiety or someone who feels like something is missing in your life, think about something you like whether it be music, gardening, art or even recycling. Nowadays, there is something for everyone and plenty of organizations or groups of people just waiting for you to join them in helping to fight for a good cause or just make things better for people and the world we live in.

Going Inward

‘Going inward’ is a relatively new term I learned through the course of my supervision and studies towards becoming a licensed professional counselor. The act of going inward is something that I have been diligently practicing since 2010, when I finally decided to buckle down (onto a cushion) and begin a daily meditation practice.

When I am working with clients, I begin most sessions with a mindfulness exercise to help the person root by getting more grounded within themselves and connect with their body and emotions through awareness of their breath.

Recently, I attended a mindfulness workshop where the presenter asked us to free write on what vulnerability is and what vulnerability feels like. Here’s what I wrote for both.

Vulnerability is: raw, open, scary, freeing, painful, courageous, truth, and connection. It is loving yourself enough and another enough to be, feel, and share the real you.

Vulnerability feels like:

-You’re ripping open a piece of your heart

-Unpeeling a hard orange

-Overwhelming

-Anxiousness in my belly

-Unlocking a treasure box

-Putting my sword and armor down

-Weakness and strength

-Removing a brick from the wall

-Being naked

-Fire and light

After writing, the presenter instructed us to close our eyes and see how we were feeling after having reflected on vulnerability and written about it. Going inward for me meant getting out of my head and feeling more of what was happening in my body. I felt my heart beating faster and pressure in my chest. She asked us to feel the sensations in our body and locate the place where we might be feeling emotional discomfort. She then asked us to soften into that place, then soothe ourselves by putting one hand on that place, and finally to allow for the discomfort to be there without being afraid of it.

The power of writing never ceases to amaze me. This exercise of reflection, writing, then closing my eyes to really feel and acknowledge what was happening inside is what I consider to be a beautiful path of going inward.

The next time that you feel angry, stressed, confusion or doubt about something happening in your life, try going inward and see what you find.

Remember these simple things: soften, soothe, and allow.

Where Do Your Thoughts Go?

There is an alternative rock bank from California that I like a lot called Cake. They are noted for their songs being composed of sarcastic lyrics with a wide-range of musical influences that include rock, funk, hip hop, country music, Iranian folk music, and even some Mariachi.

One of their best songs (in my opinion) is called “When You Sleep” and the beginning lyrics go like this:

When you sleep, where do your fingers go?

What do your fingers know

What do your fingers show

Where do your fingers go

In group therapy, I recently adopted a new ritual of presenting the group with one meaningful question to reflect on and then share as a way to break up the monotony and build cohesion. The result has been amazing in that this simple exercise has allowed the group participants to be more introspective and open, while simultaneously learning more about themselves.

The question for group this week was “Where do your Thoughts go?”

My intention for asking this question was to help them acknowledge and become more aware of the thoughts that take up space in their heads and keep them from living in the moment (being more mindful).

I had to explain further to one person in the group who stated that his thoughts were always different. I agreed with him before explaining that yes, we may have all kinds of different thoughts depending on situations that arise each day, but that for almost all of us, there is a tendency for our thoughts to regularly stick to 3 to 5 common themes.

The answers shared were very telling of how much we as people are much more alike than we think. Here are a few I thought worth the share:

“My thoughts go to: my mother who is lonely, my father who hasn’t spoken to me in 7 years, my daughter who lives far away from me, my ex-wife’s instability and if she will ever be able to raise our kids properly, finances, finding love again, if I have enough to pay the bills, my husband cheating on me, the land I want to own some day, the house I want to build, the death of someone I loved very much, my business and how I can make it grow, making my dreams come true, moving to Hawaii someday.”

Now, it’s your turn.

When you live, where do your thoughts go?

What do your thoughts know

What do your thoughts show

Where do your thoughts go

Depression is to the Mind what Cancer is to the Body

I heard about Robin William’s death Monday evening on my way home from working with a client. When I heard about how he died, I instantly felt this wave of sadness come over me and my eyes watered up. The first thing I thought was that his depression had gotten the best of him.

Even though I knew that he suffered from depression and struggled with substance abuse, for some reason…I thought that life and age meant that he had somehow gotten past that and learned how to better cope.

It seems as though many of us who were fans can recall the different times he made us laugh. As a child of the 70’s, I became a huge fan of his during Mork and Mindy days and loved him even more when he played the role of Popeye. I thought he was the perfect Popeye.

The irony is that Robin Williams played Popeye, who was a character with purposeful contradictions. He was often depicted as capable of coming up with solutions to problems that seemed too great to overcome. A can of spinach devoured and he would have superhuman strength to persevere in overcoming any obstacle that involved the guarantee of world peace or winning back his love, Olive Oyl.

There are many other roles where Robin Williams played a kind of hero that we all could admire. I think that the question leaving many of us in the dark is why Robin could play these roles of saving others, but when it came time to save his own self, he failed.

It seems like the most important thing to take away from a tragedy like this, is to note the crucial need there is for people to take mental illness more seriously. Just like the diseases of the body that health professionals and people treat with urgent care, so must we get to a place where diseases of the mind are better understood and provided the proper treatment.

After all, if the brain is the organ that acts on the rest of the body and forms the physical structure associated with the mind, shouldn’t we begin to look at this more closely and take into account that depression is just as harmful to our existence as cancer is?

Relation ships

I am fascinated with people and relationships.  One of the reasons, I studied journalism in college was because I loved hearing people’s stories.  When you think about it, people’s most interesting stories usually have to do with relationships.

From a very young age, I was naturally drawn to analyzing people by paying close attention to the way they looked, how big their noses were, how their voices sounded, how they used their hands to talk, what they talked about and why, all the way down to the shoes they would choose to wear. I was especially intrigued with how they interacted with each other.

What I didn’t realize as a child was that I was practicing psychology without even knowing it. Psychology is the study of the human mind and its functions, especially those affecting the behavior or attitude of a person. Our relationships have so much to do with all of these things- our mind, the way it works, how it affects our actions and the ways in which we treat people, places, and things.

Relationships play a huge role in our existence. Without them, we would all be coexisting without feeling any sort of connection to one another. Imagine how different your perception of yourself would be if you had no relationships to mirror you. The truth is that we know ourselves better by how we are in relation with others.  Everyone and everything is your mirror and knowing this can serve as a powerful tool for personal transformation.

How do you determine the quality of your relationships?

• is it quality time you spend together
• the kind of conversations you have
• how frequently you connect
• what you have common
• how much you know about someone or how much they know about you
• the experiences you share
• the amount of give and take (I scratch yours and you scratch mine)

Relationship building is an art. It takes time, effort, curiosity, empathy, and love. Relationships are like plants, the more you nurture and lend your attention to them, the more beautiful they grow and hold space in your life.

Recently, A wise man shared a great metaphor that inspired me to write this. He said that the child life is a ship. The mother is the hull, the father is the rudder, the grandparents are the sails, and the child is the captain. What I took from this is that we all need relationships to survive.  

Feel to Heal

Most people don’t like talking about feelings. Many of us grow up in households where uncomfortable situations and feelings get brushed under the rug and so we are taught to bottle things up.

During my anger management group, we often discuss the effects of what happens to people when we swallow our words, ignore or shove our feelings down for the sake of forcing them away. Usually what results from this is a lot of sadness, anger, fear, and even sometimes shame or guilt that often manifests itself as anxiety or depression.

For some reason, our society holds this notion that if something doesn’t feel good or pleasurable, then it’s not worth talking about or focusing attention on. We go to great lengths to avoid feelings that make us feel uneasy, uncomfortable or scared, when in fact these are the feelings that desperately need attention and compassion from us.

What I have discovered to be the best remedy for uncovering feelings that have been repressed and ignored for years (maybe even since we were kids), that could be getting in the way of us experiencing life peacefully are the 3 S’s:

Silence, Stillness, and Spaciousness

When we are silent, we allow for our higher self to think and speak to us. This is our intuition that seeks to guide us inward so that we can identify feelings and get curious about why they exist.

When we are still, we are better able to connect with our whole self and discover that anger doesn’t just live in your head, but resides in your body as well. This can often contribute to why we have aches and pains, along with tightness and tension in particular areas of our body.

When we stop resisting silence and stillness, we then create space for our deepest thoughts and feelings to arise. In this spaciousness, we can give real attention to what these thoughts and feelings want or need from us. Quite often, what they need most is to be accepted instead of pushed away. They need to be genuinely felt, expressed, processed, and even befriended so that they can slowly begin to dissipate from the system (our whole self).

Even though these thoughts and feelings may cause you discomfort or pain, keep in mind that the pain is only temporary. Pain is fleeting just like everything else. Try not to be so afraid of it. Without pain, we would not know joy. Without fear, we would not know love.

As far as I know, this is a true path to healing. You can try to take short cuts and go around, but eventually life will find a way for you to have to go through it and feel to really heal. 

Don't Believe Everything You Think

During a really difficult time in my life, a colleague/friend of mine referred me to his therapist. She lived in the hilly part of Austin and her house was nestled among trees and greenery. It felt like the perfect place to escape to where I was always received with a warm welcome and a smile.

Even pulling into her driveway offered a sense of relief because undoubtedly I knew I would be feeling better after being there. One thing I noticed that remained stuck in my mind from those visits was the bumper sticker on her car that read, “Don’t believe everything you think”.

I remember the first time I read it, I had to reread it again and then really contemplate its message. See for many years in my life, I was a walking head. I was completely consumed by own thoughts and perceptions of how I saw the world. I put a lot of stock into what my mind would tell me whether good thoughts or bad thoughts, I believed them all to be true. I mean they were my thoughts after all so why would they lie to me?

Well, the truth is that our minds do think a lot of things that are often not true and many times, it is up to us to put a stop to the thoughts that bring us down. As a school counselor, I explained this to kids by asking them to imagine all of us having an angel and a devil in our minds. One says things that make us believe in ourselves and feel good, while the other attempts to fill us up with fear and doubt.

It’s funny how our perspective constantly changes depending on our life experiences. We may read or hear about something that seems new and maybe even difficult to comprehend at first. Then a life experience happens that changes us and in the process, changes our complete outlook and understanding of it.

One of my yoga teachers would frequently say in class during practice, “You are not your thoughts”. At this point in my life, I know this for certain. My thoughts are simply a part of me. I have the choice to believe the good ones and shoo off the ones that weigh me down.

Whenever you catch yourself thinking something that causes you strife or worry, ask yourself “Am I 100% certain this is true?” And remember our mind will play tricks on us if we let it.

Listening with your eyes, ears, and heart

How good of a listener are you?

Active listening is a form of communication that assures understanding, where the listener confirms what they hear from the speaker by repeating what they have heard in their own words.

As a school counselor, whenever I went into the classrooms to give guidance lessons on the importance of good self-esteem, showing integrity or how having empathy could keep you from being a bully, I began each lesson by asking the kids to listen to me with their eyes, ears, and hearts. Some of them would look at me with confusion wondering what the heart part was about and I would explain that listening with your heart meant to really care about what was being shared.

The simple act of my asking for their attention by looking at me, hearing me, and caring about what I had to say, was enough to shift the focus in the room to just me and my words. The truth is that it felt really good to have this kind of undivided attention, feeling as though my being there all of the sudden had much more meaning.

In my working with adults as a group leader for anger management and domestic violence prevention, I work to teach people communication techniques such as active listening to resolve conflicts in their lives. During our sessions, members of the group often don’t realize that they already know how to actively listen even though they may have failed at doing so in their personal relationships. There is something about being in a room with a bunch of strangers who are sharing stories of why they ended up in jail for flipping their lid that intrigues people and entices them to really listen to each other.

The moral of this story: We all know how to be active listeners. When we actively listen, we learn more, we connect better with others, we practice empathy, we may avoid conflict, and we allow others to feel heard and seen.

Isn’t that what we all want?

The next time you are hanging out with a friend, at a business meeting, engaging with your kids, talking with your mom or dad or spending time with your sweetie, remember to be present enough to listen with your eyes, your ears, and an open heart. 

Disconnect to Connect

This is Sasha. He is a big fat neighborhood cat who I recently just met and who now spends most of his time outside my front door, laying around all day waiting for people to feed and love on him. I’ve been a cat lover all my life and one thing I know is that when I am in the presence of a cat, I immediately feel more calm, relaxed, and lovable.

Whenever I get home from running around all day, no matter how busy I am, I take a moment to connect with Sasha. I run my hands through his fluffy fur, chat him up a bit, and enjoy listening to his melodic meows. He seems to revel in these few minutes of attention I give him and meanwhile I appreciate that he reminds me to slow down and connect.

To connect means to bring together or into contact so that a real or notional link is established. For me connecting is a kind of give and take. Isn’t that what life is all about?

Nowadays more than ever, it seems as though we are connected to a lot of things that are not actually tangible. Don’t get me wrong, the interweb is an astounding invention that I use just as much as the next person.  The thing is that the connections we make through technology cannot substitute for the real connections we need as humans to feel alive and nourished.

Just a tip: Try disconnecting from all the things that distract you from being present and take some time each day to connect with something more solid and substantial. The calm you will feel is worth every minute you spared. 

To be Rooted, or Not to Be

This picture was taken a few months ago when I went back to one of the most beautiful beaches on earth- Playa del Carmen. The beach is a place where I feel most rooted because it is so natural for me to ground myself through the calming effects of the sun’s rays, swimming in the ocean, listening to the soothing sounds of waves, and connecting to the earth when digging my feet into the soft warm sand.

I think of the beach as a playground for stimulating our five senses. When we can connect to our sight, hearing, taste, smell, and touch, we are experiencing a euphoric sense of freedom as we tap into what makes being human and alive so fascinating.

To be rooted is to be established deeply and firmly in something. Besides being at the beach, there are a few other places and things where I feel inspired to grow roots.

I see these roots as links to what I consider to be most important for my physical, intellectual, spiritual, and emotional growth.

 Here is a list of what makes me feel more rooted each day:

• Breathing
• Yoga
• Meditation
• Mindful eating
• Helping others to heal
• Writing about what I know
• Believing
• Trusting
• Letting Go
• Being present
• Giving
• Caring
• Savoring the moment
• Connecting with others
• Connecting with myself
• Learning
• Novelty
• Riding my bike
• Being outside with nature
• Loving others
• Loving myself
• Feeling gratitude

Think about it:

Where do you feel most rooted?

What inspires you to grow your roots?

Today

"Forget yesterday - it has already forgotten you. Don't sweat tomorrow - you haven't even met. Instead, open your eyes and your heart to a truly precious gift - today."     ~Steve Maraboli

Today’s insight of the day seemed worth the share. What I like most about it is that it personifies the past and future while inviting you to practice mindfulness- today. When we allow ourselves to be in the moment, to open our eyes and really see all that is around us, we are being mindful and present to what is. The here and now becomes our reality being the only thing that really matters and so…we are able to relax and LET GO of all expectations of how we think things should be. We let go of our need to control the outcome and in the process we feel less anxiety, less tension, more ease, and more fulfillment.

This practice can be a natural part of your everyday. It’s simple. Just open your eyes and connect with the moment by focusing your attention on what is right in front of you. Take it all in and allow your thoughts to be solely about what's happening right then and there.

Mindfulness can change your life and view of the world. People, places, things, animals and most of all nature will take on new shapes, vibrant colors, and more meaning.

Stop. Look around.  Connect. This IS it.

Depression and Gratitude

For a long time now, I have subscribed to a few websites that send daily emails with inspirational messages that usually change my perspective on things for the better.

In my recent blog post called Daily Gems, I mentioned a few things that I try to do each day to nurture and ground myself. Reading these inspirational quotes is one I left off.

This particular quote below is one I received from Bob Proctor’s “Insight of the Day”.

"It is impossible to be both grateful and depressed. Those with a grateful mindset tend to see the message in the mess. And even though life may knock them down, the grateful find reasons, if even small ones, to get up."   ~Steve Maraboli, Author and Speaker

I share it here now because I felt it to be a very thought provoking statement, especially for someone in my profession who deals with depression quite often and is in the business of using mindfulness practices to help others heal from their depressed state of being.

Have you ever looked up the definition of depression? I did. What I found was that depression is a depressed or sunken place or part, a prolonged sadness, and a condition of general emotional dejection and withdrawal.

For me, what this says is that depression is when there is a part of you (inside you) that needs to be explored, given some attention to, nurtured, befriended, and maybe even forgiven.

What I mean is that there is a certain part of you that is disrupting the whole system you are made up of because it has been ignored, stuffed, numbed, shushed, or beaten up with harsh words from others and perhaps even your own self.

When this certain part or parts of you have finally had enough, they depress (push or pull down) you because they feel saddened and so they begin to make you feel sunken.

Once our system has experienced this for some time and reached its wit’s end, I believe in the power of talking it out, connecting, and finding ways to feel gratitude.

Talking it Out- Through counseling, you are able to tell your untold story (or stories) that sit inside of you and cause you to feel agony.

Connecting- Through counseling, you are able to connect with someone who will listen to how you really feel inside, support you, and teach you how to have compassion for yourself and befriend the parts of you that are sunken or disheartened.

Gratitude- No matter what, there is always something to be grateful for. During times of deep sadness, even the simple act of being outside and admiring nature can help you to make small shifts from darkness to noticing that there IS still light and beauty in your world. 

These are some of the key things that I hope to offer people through Root&Connect.

Had I not experienced depression myself, I would not be able to write this with such confidence in knowing that counseling, along with nurturing the whole person (the system) is a true way to feeling good that does work. My goal is to help others so that they are able to wake up each day saying goodbye to depression and naturally feeling gratitude for who they are, the life they live, and the world around them.

This post is dedicated to some of my loved ones, as well as, the loved ones of others.

Why We Need Change

“Without change…there would be no butterflies” ~ Author Unknown

Many years ago, I stumbled upon this quote and began using it as my life mantra.  I also became enamored with butterflies and decided that this beautifully amazing creature would become a symbol to remind me that life’s changes were to be seen and experienced with both wonder and awe.

Change has always been quite easy for me. As a child, I experienced changes when I moved from Austin to Houston, then Florida and back to Houston. Visiting Bogota, Colombia with my siblings in the summers was also a big change from living in Texas and I would say the biggest change for me occurred at the age of 5 when my parents separated.

All of these changes set the stage for what I consider to be my life-long wanderlust.

See for me, change is everything. It’s one of the few things I know I can count on and when it does happen, I am faced with transformation both externally and internally (with resistance at times) and then,  I turn a new leaf.

Change is what makes us experience new things so that we are stretched outside of our comfort zone. Through change we learn more about ourselves, we discover things unknown, we grow, and we evolve.

Without change, life would get stagnant and we would be stunted. 

How could we know what our highest potential is, if we never tried something new?

If things always remained the same, how would we ever find out about all of the wonderful things that life has to offer- both scenically and relationally?

Through changes in our lives, we see new places, we hold new jobs, we learn new skills, we meet new people, and we love new people.

The next time you find yourself being resistant to change either because life has sprung it on you or because your gut is telling you that it’s time, think of the butterfly. Imagine the life cycle of the butterfly and all that it has to go through to turn into something delicate, magnificent, and free. 

From Yoga to Yoda

My new love interest has a tattoo of Yoda on his big, muscular, sexy arm. Before meeting him, I would have to say that my old (and continued) love interest was practicing Vinyasa yoga. There is something euphoric about being on my mat, in a heated room, moving my body and disciplining my mind to become one with my breath.

I’ve never been much of a science fiction aficionado. To be honest, I never really understood what Star Wars and its characters were all about so seeing Yoda more often sparked a curiosity to know more. The description I got of him immediately made me connect Yoda with yoga.

Yoda is the Grand Master of the Jedi order. He is among the oldest and most powerful known Jedi Masters in the Star Wars universe. A Jedi Master is one who has attained mastery of the Force and acts as a keeper of peace and justice in the galaxy. Jedis make up a spiritual academic organization which studies, serves, and uses the mystical power of Force in order to help and protect those in need. These guardians of peace are led by Yoda, who teaches them the importance of practicing patience and strength.

In the real world, at least in my own reality, I view my yoga instructors kind of like Yodas and us yogis as the Jedis. During a yoga class, a good teacher will instruct students to move into different yoga poses while simultaneously sharing words of wisdom and truth about patience, strength, awareness, release, and most importantly the practice of focusing on breath, which I consider to be the mastery of Force. Breath (Force) being our gift from God that reminds us that we are living and helps us to slow down, be present, and connect with ourselves and our surroundings.

I believe that all of us have the potential to become a Yoda. Remember Yoda is known as the most powerful Jedi Master because of his mastery of the Force, his peace, and justice keeping.  The way I see it, we could all work towards living in this way. All it takes is learning to master our own breath to serve us in calming ways, choosing to be at peace with ourselves and others, accepting things as they are and feeling gratitude, and keeping justice by treating others the way that we want to be treated. These sound so simple when I write them down, however, I know firsthand that they are definitely not always easy to put into practice. Life on earth is much more different than the Star Wars galaxy, but that doesn’t mean that we can’t all strive to be guardians of peace- Yodas.

Who knows, maybe the next time you think of or see Yoda, you might be inspired to practice yoga. Even if you decide not to do yoga, perhaps you can begin with simply connecting with your breath to experience life in the here and now, give thanks, and show kindness to someone else around you.  

Compassion

Sometimes, what we want or think we need from somebody else, is precisely what we need from our own self.

Compassion is to be concerned for the sufferings or misfortunes of others. When I think of compassion, I imagine someone being warm and gentle with me, someone who is showing genuine concern and care for how I feel. To be compassionate is to be tender.

How often do you show compassion to yourself?

What do you tell yourself during times of struggle?

What kinds of things do you say to yourself in those quiet moments when it is just you with you?

When we say or allow our thoughts to go to places such as: “If he/she doesn’t want to be with me, why would anyone else want me?” or  “Nobody knows what I’m going through” or “Why is everyone else happy, but me?” or “I’m not good enough” or “I am unlovable”, it is almost as though we are abandoning ourselves during a time when we most need to be patient, gentle, and understanding.

We do not notice the kind of relationship we have with ourselves because of all the distractions that surround us on a daily basis. This disconnect disrupts our peace of mind and in exchange we experience feelings of fear, anger, sadness, shame, guilt, depression, anxiety or being stuck.

If you ever feel as though you are your own worst enemy by being self-critical or saying self-defeating things to yourself, learning to have self-compassion can be transformational for you and the way you live. From self-loathing to self-loving, you begin to treat yourself the way you would treat a friend or a child. 

Here are five ways to practice self-compassion so that you can begin a new relationship with yourself that will in turn affect all other relationships in your life:

1. Think and say positive things to yourself- even if you don’t believe them at first, fake it until you make it. The simple act of saying loving and kind things will begin to change your mind and your heart.
2. See the real you- try to visualize yourself as an innocent child who now lives in a grown up person’s body. This child was born with basic goodness and meant to love and be loved by you and by others.
3. Believe in yourself- know that you are perfect just the way that you are. Even if you are not at your best, try to live authentically and believe that you can accomplish ANYTHING that you set your heart, mind, and spirit towards.
4. Soothe yourself- do whatever it is that makes you feel calm and happy. This could be a long walk, exercising, yoga, sleeping, watching your favorite movie, and of course taking long and deep breaths.
5. Be your own best friend- be there for yourself by showing acts of love and kindness. Put your hand on your heart and tell yourself “it’s okay, I’m here for you” or put your hand gently on the top of your head, close your eyes and imagine you are being loved by the most important person you know or wrap your arms around you and give yourself a big hug. 

To Be Mindful...Matters

Ever wonder what all the talk about mindfulness is about?

The simplest way to explain mindfulness is that you live with awareness. The definition of aware is having knowledge or perception of a situation or fact. For me, to be aware means that you stop and take notice of the present moment as many times as you allow yourself to, during the rushing and tugging of your day to day life.

To be mindful, means using your mind to get in touch and connect with all of your five senses at any point in time with the intention of experiencing a moment with complete and full presence. 

 See…Hear…Touch…Smell…Taste. Seems so simple, but for most people these things go unnoticed because they are such a basic part of being alive that we take them for granted.

During my counseling groups, I encourage the practice of gratitude by asking clients to keep a gratitude journal as a way to train their brain to focus and take notice of things that they appreciate. Sometimes I’ll begin the group by saying “Okay, let’s all find 3 things to be grateful for besides our eyes, ears, and legs”. I usually get a few chuckles because let’s be honest, when was the last time you woke up giving thanks for being able to see, hear, and walk?

 A Buddhist center down the street from where I live offers all kinds of meditation classes, retreats, and workshops on practicing mindfulness. One of the first times, I heard and learned about what it meant to be mindful was after a meditation sitting where everyone in the room was handed a tangerine. I would like to share this experience and walk you through a simple mindfulness exercise that you can practice just about anywhere and apply to just about anything you do on a daily basis:

 1. Touch- Hold the tangerine in your hand and take notice of how it feels. Is it cold, warm or at room temperature? What does its skin feel like? Is it soft, hard or squishy?

2. Smell- Bring the tangerine up to your nose with eyes and mouth closed and simply smell. What does it smell it like? Is it a strong citrus scent? Where does this scent take you? Does it remind you of anything?

3. Touch- Begin to slowly peel the tangerine watching how each piece of the skin begins to unpeel. Can you peel to make one long piece? Do you prefer to peel off small pieces one by one? Does the peel look like anything? Maybe a flower or something abstract?

4. Taste-Take each slice of tangerine, one by one, and place it in your mouth. Close your eyes and begin to chew. Take notice of how it feels on your tongue. Is it juicy? Is it sweet or sour? Are you enjoying this experience?

5. Smell- The tangerine has been eaten and the delicious smell is still on your hands. Smell them and feel gratitude for the delicious fruit you just savored.

This exercise of connecting your mind to all of your senses allows for greater connection of mind, body, and spirit. Now you know what it means to be mindful and why it matters. Go ahead, try it with your favorite fruit.

Daily GEMS

Life is not always smooth sailing. Part of living means accepting the fact that change is going to happen whether we like it or not, and sometimes having to go through difficult times. I like the many ways life is often described to somehow help us understand that everyone experiences problems and that we are not alone in our struggles.

Here are a few: 

• “Play the cards you are dealt”

• “Life is a long and winding road”

• “What goes around, comes around”

• “Life is like a river. Sometimes it runs smooth and slow past beautiful trees and landscapes and other times, it is raging and rushing”

• “The only thing certain in life is death and taxes”

• “When one door closes, another one opens”

Because life can be so uncertain, it is important to ground yourself through daily rituals that help you feel stable and centered so that you can handle anything that comes your way with more confidence and ease. Throughout the years, I have explored many ways to ground down and feel more rooted in who I am and how I respond to what life throws at me. Recently, I attended a workshop at Wanderlust Yoga and ironically, the rituals I have been practicing for years, were described as GEMS.

G- Gratitude- I wake up each day feeling gratitude for my health and a new day of life. I begin by saying affirmations to myself in the present such as: “I am grateful”, “I am abundant”, “I am love”, “I am trusting”, “I am enough”. Before going to sleep, I end my day with prayer by giving thanks for all the things that occurred whether good or bad, reminding myself to trust that all happened as it should have.

E- Exercise- My sister once told me many years ago that exercise was just as important as brushing your teeth. She asked me, “Would you go a day without brushing your teeth?” and this simple question changed my entire perspective on exercise and why we need it. Moving and sweating is the way we clean our body of toxins so that we have more energy, feel good, and look good.

M- Meditation- Sitting still in silence creates a space for ourselves like no other. I view meditation as the union of me with my higher self and the channel to get there is through connecting with breath. When I am one with my breath, I am able to shift to a place where “the me is looking in” and observing all of the thoughts that run through my mind as though they are waves in the ocean that come and go. The beauty of these waves is that I don’t have to ride them or run from them, I simply just observe with curiosity and openness to what they are saying. Some of my most creative moments are during these 10 to 15 minutes of my day. 

S- Supplements- Unfortunately, the foods we eat on a daily basis do not have all of the nutrients we need because many of the nutrients are lost when food is cooked or because it is not grown organically. It’s important to take vitamins and/or drink vegetable juices that help to supplement our diets. If you are not a big fan of taking vitamins, consider buying yourself a juicer and start your day with a vegetable juice packed with the nutrients needed for energy and a healthy looking glow.  Who knows, you may even be able to kick a caffeine habit to the curb once for all.

Try to start incorporating GEMS into your daily life and see what happens. 

Why Breathing Can Be Your Best Friend

Even though my breath is something that has been a part of me since conception, it took me a very long time to discover its magic and meaning in my life. As a child, no one pulls you aside to explain why breathing is such an important part of our existence and the calming effects it can have on your whole self.

As a school counselor who works with children, I created a sign for my office and hung it up on the wall which read “Smell the flower, Blow out the candle, Breathe in and out”. I used this as a way to teach children how/why to breathe and as a reminder for myself to take deep breaths during times of high stress brought on by seeing many tears and listening to children and parents’ issues.

I began practicing yoga in 2001 as a way to work out and alleviate stress. The heated vinyasa class reeled me in with its vigorous and athletic flow. What I liked most was that the heat in the room forced you to breathe and stay connected with breath while moving and sweating out all of the toxins of the body and blocking out the jibber jabber of the mind. I became a certified vinyasa yoga instructor in 2012 after having been practicing the discipline of meditation regularly since 2010. In adopting these two things as an essential part of my health and well-being, I found that both yoga and meditation provided me with an amazing sense of peace that felt like a safe haven ultimately existing only within my own self.

The common denominator in both of these practices was the focus on the breath. This is what led me to the conclusion that my breath is and always will be my best friend.

Five reasons why breathing can be your best friend too:

1.     Breathing is the only thing that gets me out of my head and more into my body so that I am able to really acknowledge, feel, and connect with my emotions.

2.     Breathing reminds me to stop being ‘nowhere’ and be ‘now here’. When I focus on my breath, I am not able to think about anything else, but the present moment. The more present I am, the more awareness I have.

3.     Breathing helps me to practice mindfulness. I can take notice of things more clearly, appreciate all that’s around me, and center myself when I need to.

4.     Breathing reminds me that I am never alone. Taking deep breaths during times of stress, fear, doubt or anxiety is one thing that forces me to stop the thoughts that are causing discomfort or pain and take notice that everything is okay in that exact moment just as it is.

5.     Breathing reminds me that being alive is a gift. That having negative thoughts and uncomfortable feelings about where I am, serves no purpose. It is a constant reminder to feel gratitude for the higher power that created and gifted me with all I really need to be happy in life- a beautiful mind, body, and spirit. I am grateful to my breath for helping me remember to experience each moment in the present because that is exactly what each moment of our life is- a present. 

The Life of a Tree

Trees make me happy. This particular tree above is one I fell in love with many years ago during my frequent drives between Austin and Houston on Highway 71.  Serving as a mark to know where I am in relation to each city, no matter what season of the year, leaves or no leaves, this tree always looks beautiful to me.

My admiration for trees started long before I discovered this one in particular and through the years, I’ve reflected on why I think trees are amazing. Since trees are the tallest, longest-living organisms ever to grow on earth, it seems as though they may have a thing or two to teach us about life.

Think about how these may relate to your own self.  Here are a few I have come up with:

• United We Stand- Trees in a forest that are close to one another become more tall, massive plants as they grow in groups, connecting by way of their roots and sharing sunlight.

• Ground Yourself- The solitary tree stands alone in one spot for its entire existence. It nurtures itself by growing roots deep into the ground to take in nutrients from the soil and use what it needs to grow, develop, and repair.

• Trust your Natural Protective System- Trees have grown in ways that give them super survival powers since they cannot move away from potential destructive conditions.

• Grow Your Roots to Stay Alive- The root system of a tree is vitally important to its continued survival. Roots help to anchor the tree into the soil, they store large amounts of energy reserves below the ground, and the roots absorb and transport the water and dissolved mineral nutrients to the rest of the tree. 

• Give What You Can- Trees are very important to our existence as they provide us with what they have to give. From them we get the most essential part of living by producing oxygen so that we have clean air to breathe. They also provide us with wood for shelter and warmth along with a nice shade on a hot sunny day.

The next time you walk by a tree show it some gratitude by simply stopping for a moment to admire it, maybe water it if it hasn’t rained in a long time, or just give it a hug.