Move Like You

I love the sound of these 3 words inspired by my now favorite yoga teacher in Austin named Brett who teaches at Black Swan Yoga. She is what I would refer to as a mindfulness yogi. She speaks with intention and encourages us to move mindfully.

Whenever she says 'move like you' in class, I feel lighter and a sense of joy because I interpret these words to mean 'be your own person' and 'move your body with your breath in a way that feels good for you'.

Brett voices that movement is medicine and when I hear her say it, I think about how our body, our brain, and our emotions need movement in order to function and work in the ways we need them to. Just as much as we need movement, we also need stillness. It's the yin and yang of life; what keeps us in balance.

I like to recommend to my clients the daily practice of SEN + M before looking for other ways to manage their depression and anxiety, particularly if they are considering taking medication.

S- sleep; we all need a minimum of 8 hours to feel our very best

E- exercise; move in whatever way feels good for you to get your heart rate up

N- nutrition; eat whole foods that nourish the body and brain

+

M- meditation; sit still in silence as you focus on one thing such as your breath or a mantra for at least 5 to 10 minutes

The words 'move like you' also bring to mind the recent move I made back to Austin after having lived in Portland for 2 years. A move is always hard on the mind, body, spirit, and emotions. It's a change that requires emotional resilience and flexibility. I like to define mindfulness as a practice of being curious, open, and flexible. The move back to Austin has definitely been nudging me to practice what I preach about mindfulness such as: acceptance of what is without judgement and being present to where I am now.

Coming back to my new/old life has its pros and cons. In moments where I wonder if I made the right decision to leave the beautiful Pacific Northwest, I remind myself to feel gratitude about having Austin be my home base where I feel truly loved and supported by the people that care for me who I have been able to sustain relationships with for 20+ years.

It's been a long while since I wrote a blog entry. I've been preoccupied and challenged in ways I did not expect. My intention for coming back to Austin was to grow my vision of what I want Root&Connect to become. As I figure things out, I remind myself often to be mindful of all the ways in which I am being taken care of so that I can continue learning more on how to help others learn to take care of themselves.

Please stay tuned to the magic that I believe will soon begin to unfold as I push my fears aside to turn my dreams into reality.

Take a Seat...Relax...No Shoulds or Shouldn'ts Allowed

The majority of people I work with who are struggling with feeling depression and anxiety all seem to have one commonality...painful emotions that feed off of negative thinking and an inner critic that holds a lot of the power in determining how they view themselves and their worth.

I constantly hear people talking about shoulds and shouldn'ts. It's as though there was a shoulds and shouldn'ts chart given to us around age 3 or 4 that told us who we are supposed to be, what we are supposed to do, and how we are supposed to behave in the world in order to be accepted by others.

I've noticed that my clients who suffer the most from listening to their own inner critic also tend to be people pleasers who worry about how they are being perceived, if they are liked, and feeling terrified about potentially upsetting or disappointing someone they know.

Living in this constant state of “I'm not good enough” or “I don't measure up” or “People won't accept me if I don't behave in certain ways” sounds absolutely exhausting. Isn't life hard enough already?

Recently, I found a book called Embracing Your Inner Critic which I had to get because this topic of self loathing or self hate appears to be running rampant and I would like to understand where it's coming from.

In this book, they talk about how our inner critic is formed from an early age once our parents begin to voice their shoulds and shouldn'ts on us. It says that our parents own fears and insecurities which more than likely stem from their own parents, begin to impact our development and how we treat our self. It's important to note that parents intentions for voicing shoulds and shouldn'ts is one that comes from a place of 'protection and love', but results in just the opposite. Instead of feeling safe and loved, these shoulds and shouldn'ts instill fear, insecurity, and self doubt in us that then follows us into our adulthood.

Here is a section of the book I wanted to share: “The Inner Critic is like the bit of mirror that makes us see a distorted picture. It is that inner voice that criticizes us and speaks about us in a disparaging way. It makes everything look ugly. Most of us are not even aware that it is a voice or a self speaking inside of us because its constant judgements have been with us since early childhood and its running critical commentary feels like a natural part of ourselves.”

Our sense of belonging becomes conditional and so we go about living in the world thinking that we are only worthy of acceptance and love as long as we abide by all of the shoulds and shouldn'ts that have been ingrained in our brain as truth.

In yoga class a few weeks ago, the teacher said “Expectation leads to frustration. When we can ignore or completely rid ourselves of expectations, we are able to experience life in the way we are intended to, living with complete presence to what is, moment to moment. True liberation is when we can free ourselves of these thoughts and habits that don't serve us.”

The next time you notice your inner critic speaking to you, gently tell that voice that shoulds and shouldn'ts are no longer allowed. Give more time to being in silence and stillness so that you can relax and learn to listen to the inner voice inside that's wanting to guide you from a place of love and worthiness. This is a voice that speaks your own truth, not interested in making comparisons. It's a voice that sounds more like “I can..I will...I want or I choose.”

Disease

I was listening to a sermon the other day and the pastor said something that immediately caught my attention. He said disease happens when there is dis-ease. In that moment, so much came to my mind, but the first two were depression and anxiety. Then followed Charlottesville attack, Harvey, DACA, Eagle Creek fires, and Irma. Next was Trump and lastly, our screens.

Let me explain. I work with people who are in a state of dis-ease because they are not feeling at ease with themselves due to a problem related with work, family, a relationship or life in general. Some of them are not feeling at ease with their thoughts, their emotions or with living in their own body.

A friend of mine recently pointed out that mother earth is a body herself that moves, breathes, eats, grows, lives, and dies over and over again. He said that earth is not happy with us humans for the way we are treating her. That all the natural disasters happening are her way of letting us know that we cannot continue to live the way we do because she cannot and will not sustain us.

We seem to be causing dis-ease TO earth while we are feeling dis-ease ON earth.

There is a lot happening that doesn't seem to make much sense with the planet and with how people are behaving so...what are we going to do about it?

This isn't just a few peoples problem. Whether or not we have been directly affected by any of what has been going on this year, I think it's important for all of us humans to be aware by consciously taking some sort of action to help one another and the world we live in.

Perhaps the August 21, 2017 eclipse was a good reminder for us to wake up, get out of our heads, away from our screens, take breaks from watching or listening to all the bad news, step out of our comfort zone, and look around us to SEE. To really see and feel the imbalance of the earth = global warming and the imbalance of humanity = racism, separatism.

I am of the belief that united we stand and divided we fall. I'm still trying to figure out how the man that was elected last November has been given so much power to make such big decisions that affect both earth and humanity. A man with a large ego and very little compassion. And what allowed for him to be in this position was something as simple as this green piece of paper that is made from the earth and for some reason, seems to be the only thing that matters for so many people living on it.

Do I think that money buys us freedom? Sure. To a certain extent I guess. Do I think money makes us more happy? Not really. More comfortable yes. Do I think people use money as a way to feel secure and worthy? Yes.

This post isn't about my wanting to criticize people who earn a lot of money. I believe in working hard, in having a strong work ethic, and in striving for more. Not necessarily to have more, but because I know that when we increase our net worth, we also increase our self worth. This is because when we take actions to better ourselves, we grow our self confidence and as a result, we feel better about who we are. We feel less insecure, inadequate or unworthy and more accepted by self and others.

What I don't yet understand is how we have allowed for money to skew our values so much so, that we honor the notion of doing more than just being, we complacently exist more than truly live, we buy into spending more than we need to, we focus on our fears more than on who and what we love, we are more quick to hate than we are to empathize, and we waste/destroy for the sake of our own comfort.

All the while, we wonder why it is that we live in a world full of disease (physical and mental) or feeling not at ease. I think it is difficult to feel at ease when energetically, we feel the imbalance. I know I do so I felt inclined to write about it.

Next step is to take action towards finding ways to save mother earth by learning to plant more trees, drive less, ride bike more, recycle, buy less, and give away more. I also want to do my part to help unite humanity by treating all people the way I want to be treated, with love, kindness and respect no matter the color or socioeconomic status.

This takes being mindful of my own well being by treating my Self with love and kindness and managing my anxiety and stress in healthy ways (prayer, gratitude, meditation, and yoga) so that I am putting out a more positive energy to the people I interact with. These things take effort, but not as much effort as we all put into 'doing' and 'making more money' to validate ourselves or prove to others, that we are worthy and that our life is worth living.

We all need one another. Take a mindful moment to think about what you might want to do to help mother earth and its people to breathe with more ease. Let's step out of our bubbles, get more comfortable with feeling uncomfortable, and come together to heal our disease.

We do not need magic to change the world, we carry all the power we need inside ourselves already: we have the power to imagine better.

J.K. Rowling - Novelist

Desire without Drive

A new client I met last week was explaining his struggles and at some point mentioned feeling a loss of pleasure and interest in things that used to fill him up. I believe that this is part of what happens when depression gets the best of us.

He said something along the lines of “I still have the desire to do things, just not the drive.” This resonated with me and got me thinking about my own desires.

How driven was I to make stuff happen in my own life?

You know, the stuff that stirs around in your heart and mind that whispers to you softly. Depending on the strength of the desire, the whispers may start to sound more like orders.

In the last few months, my brain has been churning out ideas of things I want to create. This isn't necessarily anything new, it's just that now, it seems as though I spend a lot more time thinking about how to make these dreams become a reality.

This year has been one of shifting my emotional patterns so naturally my thoughts and what I choose to focus on has also started to shift. I spend much more time feeling love, gratitude, and joy which attributes to more positive thoughts that match these emotions.

I've been exploring the emotion of love with greater depth both in and out of my meditation practice and what I was surprised to discover for myself is that love for me feels like peace, joy, and creativity.

I have known for many years, that when I am writing, drawing, photographing or thinking up ideas on what to write about whether it be blogging or poetry, I feel an amazing sense of all three of these things because my heart and mind both yearn to create. For me, creation is love. 

In the act of creating whether with my brain, my eyes, or my hands, I come alive and feel myself whole because I am in a state of expansion that allows me to feel deeply connected with my heart's desire and inspired to express myself. 

When someone tells me they have desire without drive, I think of a few possible hypothesis of what may be going on for the person:

a. depression robs us of our energy

b. depression often has to do with suppressed emotions that need to come to light to be acknowledged, felt, and expressed.

*note: unresolved sadness + anger = depression

c. the emotion causing the most pain is also the emotion with the most energy. If this emotion is not acknowledged, felt, and given attention to with compassion, and expressed in some way, it will suck energy from the body and mind, leaving the person depleted and without drive.

*for example: shame which is usually tied to guilt could be causing self doubt and/or insecurity to creep in to the core self and block energy needed to move, create, and Do!

I decided to write about this because I feel passionate about motivating others to be the best version of themselves. This is a process that requires imagination, energy, feeling, and action.

A new intriguingly insightful friend says 'the physical act of writing tells your mind that what is being written is important'.

Consider taking the time to write down all of your heart's desires while being mindful of what all your parts ~ mind, body, emotions, and spirit ~ need from YOU so that your heart, brain, eyes, and hands can fulfill your desires with the drive necessary to make them happen.

Play by Feel

Shortly after moving to Portland, I was struck by a commonality I observed in many of the people I was meeting and/or trying to befriend. It seemed as though making plans with others in advance was a bit of a foreign concept. Instead people would make attempts to connect more on the fly to accommodate how they were feeling on that particular day. I realized a few months in, that playing by ear didn't quite fit and so the term 'play by feel' was born.

Moving to a new place at the ripe age of 39 is no easy endeavor. Particularly when the place you move to is quite different from what you know and where you come from. Learning the culture of the Northwest and how to best navigate has felt much like growing pains, but has also tested my ability to practice mindfulness in ways that look and feel a lot like love. I've had to practice openness, curiosity, flexibility, and being vulnerable.

The irony is that my time here in Portland has also opened me up to feeling more love than ever before. Not the kind of love you would imagine I would be talking about such as romantic love for that one special person, but instead feeling love and appreciation for what happens when the weather changes in this city.

After months of cold, rain, and even snow, feeling the sun's rays takes on a whole new meaning. The people, the plants, the rivers, and oceans all come to life and glisten when the temperature rises.

During a yoga class recently, the teacher told us that someone said to her 'live your life as though it were summer all the time' and it dawned on me that summer time in Portland is transformational for the people just as much as it is for the landscape. The city comes alive with a completely new energy that transforms everyone's mood and their desire to be communal with one another and with nature.

Now that I've spent some time here (about a year and a half), I have a new understanding of play by feel and how it's so closely related to the strong force that Portland weather has on its inhabitants. People here have to acclimate. One definition of acclimate is to respond physiologically or behaviorally to change in a single environmental factor. People here do just that, because they have no other choice but to accept what the weather wants to do on any given day. Like it or not, they adjust.

This got me to thinking about how I could tie together the way that people in Portland acclimate to its erratic weather with how we as people approach life in general.

What if the uncertainty, the ups and downs, the hot and cold, the storms and sunshine, the gray and clear skies were a metaphor for life's happenings?

Would we then be able to better cope with change if we told ourselves that 'Life is like the Weather'?

We don't have much control over what happens to us in life, sometimes things make sense and other times, we want to pull our hair out and curse God's name because things feel confusing, unjust or too painful.

It seems to me that the best remedy for living in accordance with life's ebbs and flows is to accept that the only constant is change. Just like the weather, nothing ever stays the same and this is what we can count on so why not navigate through life in this way.

Play by feel...moment to moment, breath by breath.

Actor or Reactor

Are you consciously choosing how to exist in your life?

This question has been buzzing in my head for the last few months, but for some reason it's been hard to conjure up the motivation and inspiration to write much of anything. Feeling stuck in any area of your life where you want to see change and growth can be frustrating and defeating. For this reason, I think it's important to ask yourself Why and How?

The Why- your purpose, the How- the way to get there.

The Why also refers to who you want to be, the How relates to what you feel, think, do, and say to become and be that person.

This is what I think distinguishes an actor from a reactor. The role of an actor is to play a part with intention by consciously choosing how to be in relation with self and with others. It's a daily practice to choose what emotions and thoughts we want to engage with.

For instance, we all have a choice on how we want to feel. We can choose to feel happy or sad, resentful or grateful in any given moment. The fascinating thing about emotions and thoughts is that they are energy. Constantly moving, changing, expanding, and contracting; our emotions are fed by our thoughts and so a cycle begins where we determine what our emotional and mental patterning will look and feel like.

If you are habitually used to feeling sad, disappointed or angry, you have the choice on whether or not to feed these emotions and give them more power over you. I ask my clients to imagine that every time they think a negative thought that reinforces a lower emotion, they are actually choosing to feed the emotion a donut. The result is that the emotion grows stronger as it begins to crave another donut creating a pattern where negative thoughts feed and grow more negative emotions.

This is how the body and mind work together. We exist in the world by being conscious of our thoughts, feelings, and behaviors and choosing them rather than letting them choose us. These three things are what shape who we are and influence us to either be an actor or a reactor in our life.

The trick to learning how to change how we feel and think is to pause, go inward, and connect with this energy inside of us so that our behaviors can shift and align with a new pattern of emotions and thoughts.

Try this practice as many times throughout the day as you can. First try this alone and then try it when in relationship with others:

1. stop, pause, and connect with your breath and body

2. identify what you feel by asking yourself 'what am I feeling in this moment?'

3. notice what thoughts come to mind, negative or positive?

4. observe your inner voice paying close attention to how you are speaking to yourself, gentle or harsh?

5. get curious about why you are feeling this particular emotion

6. choose how you want to feel instead

7. focus on your heart's center and imagine yourself feeling the emotion you want to feel

8. allow this new emotion to take over as you feel new sensations in your body

9. feed the new emotion with positive thoughts and notice the feeling of expansion inside of you

10. acknowledge this process with love and kindness towards yourself

Now go out into the world choosing to consciously act in the way that brings you closer to who you want to be and what you want to experience as opposed to reacting to your feelings and thoughts and 'what happens to you'.

You are the creator of you and your life!

Real&Connect

I have to start writing. I can't keep these thoughts and feelings in any longer. Spending time thinking about how I can make a difference, how I can help the state of the world we are currently living in.

Conversations about what's happening, what's not happening. So much fear. Intense feelings of hopelessness and helplessness. I want to assist people in making a change. It all starts on the inside because when we don't feel right on the inside, absolutely nothing can happen on the outside.

We can listen to what is taking place on a global level, on a national level. Hearing these things doesn't do a bit of good if we can't take it in, understand, and feel enough energy to do something about it. We need gumption. We need the motivation to take action. Caring is not enough. Compassion comes naturally. The challenge lies in transforming our caring and compassion into a reality that can be seen and felt. Whatever we feel compassion for, whether it be the people, their rights, our earth, its natural process endangered, we need to focus on one thing and move towards advocating for that one thing.

We humans are easily overwhelmed by the big picture that deters us from living and accepting our moment to moment existence. Take one breath, feel your body, focus on your feet, stand firm where you are and choose one action. Just one.

One day at a time. Breath by breath. Stop responding with fear to the fear that created all of this mess in the first place. Ego does not know how to live in the present. It feeds on what could be. Greed stems from a mentality of scarcity. It feeds on wanting more and having more. Fear is the opposite of love which is what all of creation was born from. It tells us that power will make us stronger and less afraid. None of these things have anything to do with what is truth, what is infinite, what needs no explanation. We are enough. We have enough.

All living things continue their cycle- Live. Grow. Evolve. Die. Begin Again. What the fuck is all of this other nonsense about?

Oh yeah, control. Because if we think we can control, then we feel immortal. This calms our fear just enough to live another day pretending like all of this is actually real when the only meaning to it all is that we just be, breathe, exist, know,  love, and be one with with all and everything.

Time Sensitive in a Big Bad World

I woke up this morning thinking about my grandfather who was born on April 21st of 1919 and died on December 14th of 2016 having lived a very full life of 97 years. He was a man of integrity and discipline with rigidity around time because he knew that time was a form of currency that you can never get back and so he spent it well.

Today was the warmest day of the year in Portland thus far. I was fortunate to have the day off to spend time outside admiring all of the gorgeous spring flowers and trees illuminated by the sun. When the sun is out in this city and the temperature warms up, this place for me feels as close to paradise as when I'm swimming in the oceans of Maui.

After mindful walking in the park, I was gifted with an especially inspiring yoga class where I could feel creativity pouring out of my heart and mind as I tried to remain focused on giving time to appreciate my body and love my breath.

My yoga teacher said a few things that sparked curiosity and calmed my spirit. The first was when she said the words, 'big bad world'. I thought to myself, 'that's an interesting way to think of things', but then it dawned on me that it is today's truth in many ways.

Decisions are being made for us that make no sense, things feel extremely out of our control, and people are grappling with feeling unsafe, anxious, scared, and sad as they drown in despair from not knowing what to do or how to change external factors that influence their internal landscape.

The second thing my yoga teacher said was, 'contentment is available for us with every breath, in every moment'. My brain decided to put these two phrases together as a problem and a solution. By no means am I saying that taking time to do yoga and focus on your breath is going to actually solve the state of the world we are currently living in.

What I am saying is that finding ways to relax, ground down,  and connect with your self through body and breath can help to alleviate anxiety and depression and calm your fears. The more helpful thing we can do for one another as a society right now is to take care of our own self so that we can be of help in taking care of others.

Time is a currency that you cannot get back. The way we spend our time says so much about who we are, what we value, and how we desire to live day to day, moment to moment. I believe that one of the best ways we can help one another is to improve the collective consciousness of our planet by engaging in daily practices of self care, otherwise know as self love.

By taking the time to manage our own anxieties and fears and find ways to be aware of what remains good, we can brave these difficult and stress inducing times. We can invest time in connecting with our own self and others to remind us that this big bad world continues to hold an amazing amount of magnificent energy, beauty, and goodness.

Take time to smell and admire the flowers.

It’s not about time, it’s about choices. How are you spending your choices?

Beverly Abamo – Author

Mention Emotion

I often think of how to communicate the importance of befriending emotions and forming a new kind of relationship with all of them, not just the ones we want to feel like joy, love, peace, gratitude, and excitement.

It dawned on me not too long ago that the word mention has similar letters to the word emotion if you jumble them around.

In the last year of my being a full time therapist, I’ve come to the realization that I spend the majority of time talking with clients about two things that I believe shape so much of our lives: Relationships and Communication.

I begin each session with checking in to see if clients can identify their own emotions. “What are some feelings you've had in the last week?”, I ask. The usual responses are 'okay', 'good’, 'bad' or 'terrible', none of which are actual emotions. My next question is “what are actual feelings you've had that you can identify?” This is my way of encouraging people to name their emotions.

A common term that many in my field know and use is ‘Name to Tame’. What this means is that when we learn to name an emotion we are feeling, we can calm the emotion somewhat by giving it the attention it needs.

As soon as we are able to connect with our self enough to recognize and label a feeling, there is often an immediate physiological response where the body relaxes and an emotional response of relief from the feeling that is causing us pain. The feeling may not actually go away, but instead its power is lessened.

Recently, I learned that the actual life span of an emotion is 90 seconds so essentially when we experience a big emotion in our body such as anger or sadness or shame, the reason it lasts longer than 90 seconds is because our mind has come on board to feed the emotion with thoughts that reinforce it. At this point, the body (emotion) and mind (thoughts) are in relationship working together to make the emotion(s) feel larger than life and impossible to manage or tame.

Understanding the relationship between the body and mind is crucial for us to learn how to calm our self, particularly in moments when we are having big emotions. Managing emotions otherwise known as emotional regulation begins with forming a new kind of relationship with your emotions where you mindfully take a pause to allow yourself to breathe, feel, identify, and label the feeling before getting swallowed up by a wave of energy that feels too large to swim in.

Once you label the emotion you are feeling, the next step is to have the courage to communicate it out loud either to yourself or to another. You mention emotion in order to communicate what you are feeling because if you don't, suppression will lead to depression.

We mention emotion by using ‘I feel’ messages that communicate what we feel and why we feel it. An example would be, “I feel angry when you say you are going to do something and then you don’t because what that says to me is I can’t depend on you.”

It is important to note that ‘I feel’ messages do not involve statements such as “I feel like you don’t follow through with what you say you are going to do.” Like is not an emotion and most people will not respond well when you make statements that do not involve a feeling.

Can you see the difference between these two statements and why the first may be received with more ease and less defensiveness?

Mentioning the emotion changes the energy of what is being communicated and simultaneously allows your feelings to be respected as much as your thoughts. In this way, more of your whole self feels felt by you and more importantly, validated.

The relationship we have with our own self is essential for us to have meaningful connections with others.

Try this practice and mention emotion often to communicate from a more heart-centered place. The result may be surprising as you begin feeling more connected with self and with those around you.

Here are a few questions on Relationships and Communication you can ask yourself:

How do I communicate with myself? Lovingly or Harshly?

Can I easily identify what I am feeling?

Do I communicate my feelings with others?

What is the relationship with my emotions like?

Do I usually reject or accept my big emotions?

Make Your Breath Your Favorite Soundtrack

What is your favorite song?

Is it the lyrics or the melody that moves you?

What instruments are playing in the song?

Can you imagine what we humans would be like and feel like if we payed as much attention to our breath as we did to the music we love to listen to?

I heard these words from one of my yoga teachers a few months ago and since then, I have been trying to form a new and different kind of relationship with my breath. As I brainstorm about actions to take to transform Root&Connect into something more than just a website and a blog, I have come to this very important conclusion:

My relationship with my breath is just as important as the relationship I have with my mind, my body, my spirit, my emotions, and with others. How do I know this to be true?

As I learn more about mindfulness and how it helps us, I have greater understanding of how everything is about energy!

Our thoughts are energy, our emotions are energy, our movements are energy. And our breath is what feeds and circulates our energy. Taking more deep, mindful breaths brings new energy to our bodies that nourishes, soothes, and calms us.

Breath defined is: an inhalation or exhalation of air from the lungs and the power of breathing; life.

Breathe defined is: take air into the lungs and then expel it, especially as a regular physiological process and be or seem to be alive because of this.

If our breath is what is essential for us to exist, doesn't it make sense for us to be more mindful of it by giving energy to noticing it, engaging with it, feeling it, and best of all sitting in silence and stillness to hear it more often?

Daily practice tip: Try taking a few pauses throughout your day to connect with your breath and get curious about it.

What does it sound like?

What does it feel like as it goes in and out of your lungs?

What is the quality of your breath?

Do you like how it sounds?

What does focusing on the sound of your breath cause you to feel?

Turn your breath into one of your favorite soundtracks. Press play at any time and jam on.

The Power of Focus

Pause. Focus. Take a moment to think about your day to day and answer these two questions:

What do I focus on?

How do I focus?

I wrote the title to this blog entry over 3 months ago and thought about it being on my desktop waiting for me to find the time and focus to write it. Since I'm usually feeling most inspired during yoga class, it makes it difficult for me to jump on a computer and type away when my brain shifts focus from breath and body to putting thoughts into words.

This is probably one of the most important blog entries I will ever write because the subject is so huge and immensely valuable in my life these days and I can't imagine it ever shifting to be any other way.

Pause. Focus. Why is focus such an all-encompassing topic?

I'll start by saying that as a psychotherapist, I spend a substantial portion of my time helping others to think about things in a new way in hopes of shifting perspective so that they can sort through and figure out the things in their life that seem too chaotic, too overwhelming or too painful to deal with on their own. Essentially what we do is we unpack the baggage and see how we can arrange it in new ways.

When I was in graduate school, I remember one of my professors saying that people come to counseling when they are desperate and can't see any other way out on their own. Anytime I get a new client that says they have never been in therapy before, I welcome them with an even bigger smile than usual and say with compassion that I am happy they have taken the leap to get the help they need to form a new relationship with themselves which includes their mind, their body, their spirit, and their emotions.

How does this tie into focus? Well, humans operate by having thoughts and feelings, then choosing their actions and words. Most of us know that our mind is very powerful and most of the time it wants to be in charge. Many people feel that they are controlled by their mind because they are always thinking, thinking, thinking and they have no idea how to stop the endless thoughts.

Through the mindfulness work I do with clients, I begin teaching them that their mind is just one part of what makes them whole and that even though the mind is in fact very powerful, it does not have to overpower all the other parts of them- being body, spirit, and emotions. This is when focus becomes a prevalent topic in session as I point out that what we focus on IS completely in our control. Moment to moment, our focus shifts onto what we want to give attention to.

Months ago, I wrote an entry called Love = Attention and the gist was that whatever we give our attention to, we are in essence giving love to. What I have discovered in the last few months is that What we focus on and How we focus on it = the Quality of our Life.

Here is an example that I heard a few years ago during a free seminar given by Joey Klein, author of The Inner Matrix which is a book I am currently reading about on how to transform your life and awaken your spirit. During the seminar Joey asked everyone in the room to think about something that they really wanted. He pointed to a man and asked “what is it that you want?” The man responded, “I want to lose weight.”

Joey then asked the man to focus on what the outcome was of him losing weight. So rather than focus on losing weight or focus on depriving himself of eating foods he loved or focus on how he wasn't fitting into his clothes the way he wanted to, Joey was inviting this man to focus on what the end result would be of him losing the weight.

He encouraged him to focus on and visualize what he would be doing once he lost weight and how he would be feeling. The possible outcomes were endless as Joey pointed out that losing weight might look like him running in marathons, going on long bike rides, hiking up mountains, looking good in a new pair of pants, feeling more attractive and confident or simply feeling more energized and alive.

The reason why the subject of focus is so huge and immensely valuable in my life now is because I too am learning how to shift my focus from negative, fear based thoughts to more positive, love based thinking. Not only that, I am learning how to use my focus to create emotions within myself that I thought I could only feel from something outside of me.

Inspired by one of Joe Dispenza's videos, I uncovered miraculous information in early January that has truly transformed my focus and more importantly, the way I feel inside about my Self. Here is a brief summarization of what I learned in his video:

“The ultimate truth is oneness that occurs in the heart's center. When you rest your attention (your focus, or energy) in that center to cultivate an elevated emotion such as gratitude, joy, passion, love, compassion, or affection; to feel them deeply is the moment energy moves into your heart and the field around your body expands to 9 meters wide. When we are living in survival mode and our focus is on fear, anger, violence, hostility, sadness, guilt, and anxiety; we draw from this invisible field and turn it into chemistry. The field around your body shrinks so now we are more matter and less energy. The result is not having enough energy to actually create anything you want in your life, enough energy for growth or for repair.”

Whether or not, any of what I just shared from the video makes sense to you, the idea is simple and I can assure you that if you practice what I am calling a heart centered meditation, you will see and feel the benefits of using the power of your focus to transform the quality of your life.

Here are a few easy steps for you to try this for yourself:

1. Set an intention and hold it in your mind ~ My intention is: I want to feel love.

2. Shift your focus to your heart's center.

3. Begin to think about all of the emotions that you associate with feeling love.

4. Love is: feeling safe, feeling gratitude, feeling appreciation, feeling passion, feeling nurtured, feeling affection, feeling warmth, feeling joy, feeling inspired.

5. Remember to keep your mind focused on the intention of love, then visualize what each of these emotions feels like in your body and draw in the energy from these emotions to your heart's center.

6. Give yourself time to notice how you feel in your mind and in your body as you practice cultivating these emotions for yourself.

By practicing this meditation, I have learned that I can create positive thoughts and emotions for myself at any given moment. What I thought I could only feel from others or from something external, is now a source that I understand comes from within me, from my very own focus.

It is in the what? and the how? I direct my focus, my energy that has the power to completely shift the quality of what I experience and how I exist in my life.

Now, I invite you to Pause. Focus. And ask yourself these simple questions...What am I focusing on? How am I focusing on it? Is it serving me or hurting me?

Try to turn this into a daily practice and be mindful of any shifts.

Vulnerability

I wonder who in this country isn't feeling vulnerable right about now?

Thankfully a week before election day, I decided to go to Portland's famous Powell's bookstore in search of Brene Brown's book called Daring Greatly. It felt serendipitous that I was reading a book on shame and vulnerability during the time that election results came out because those were the two predominant emotions I felt when seeing the country mostly covered in red.

I've known about Brene's work since 2012 when I watched her famous ted talk called the power of vulnerability. Since then, I've referred her to my clients who struggle with feeling shame or have difficulty being vulnerable until having the realization that I needed to dive more deeply into these topics myself if I was going to encourage others to explore her work.

Who doesn't have trouble being completely open about their feelings?

Especially their most uncomfortable feelings like shame, rejection, abandonment, rage, guilt, jealousy, insecurity, inadequacy and the Big one...Fear.

Who doesn't feel embarrassed to share the things they feel shame about?

The shock of November 8th felt like a disturbing wake up call. It was as though a veil had been lifted with many people in America making a choice that screamed out 'let's be transparent, we don't like non white people, and it's time for America to be great again by making it all white again'.

As a brown person born and raised in America with immigrant parents, I know what it feels like to be vulnerable because of the color of your skin, eyes, and hair. I've felt powerless and susceptible in moments where it was clear I was being discriminated against because I looked different or because my parents spoke to me in a language that wasn't English.

Feeling vulnerable is scary, but only if you allow it to be. Vulnerable defined is susceptible to physical or emotional attack or harm. Another definition is...(of a person) in need of special care, support, or protection because of age, disability, or risk of abuse or neglect. Both of these definitions make it sound like vulnerable means you are weak and helpless.

On the contrary, Brene Brown teaches us that “Vulnerability is the birthplace of love, belonging, joy, courage, empathy, and creativity. It is the source of hope, empathy, accountability, and authenticity. If we want greater clarity in our purpose or deeper and more meaningful spiritual lives, vulnerability is the path.”

She shares examples of how men and women have defined vulnerable and since reading Daring Greatly, I have been on a mission to practice vulnerability in my own life. It's been daunting and at the same time extremely liberating! To put my stuff out there and allow for myself to be seen and known without feeling afraid of the outcome.

The beauty in this, is knowing that when you begin to open up and share your deepest, most honest thoughts and feelings, you are actually serving both you and another because you get to voice your truth and they get to hear it. We all know that the truth is a gift even if it sometimes hurts.

Regardless of whether or not, your desired outcome happens, I've discovered that learning how to be vulnerable and practicing vulnerability in relationships with others, teaches us some of life's greatest lessons:

• value yourself.

• have courage.

• get more in touch what what you really feel and think.

• understand what you need in order to feel whole and happy.

• communicate your thoughts, feelings, and needs more clearly.

• know yourself enough to share yourself in a way that allows for you to be seen and heard.

• feel your feelings even when they hurt; they are messages from your heart.

• open up to you first, then let others in because now you can show them the way.

• be raw sometimes. raw is real.

• take actions that feel risky because they grow your confidence and self worth.

• speak words that matter to the heart, not the brain or the ego.

• love yourself so you can really know how to love another.

• tell someone you feel scared and then ask them to hold you...for as long as you need.

One more of Brene Brown's quotes:

“Owning our story can be hard but not nearly as difficult as spending our lives running from it. Embracing our vulnerabilities is risky but not nearly as dangerous as giving up on love and belonging and joy—the experiences that make us the most vulnerable. Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light.”

Now go out there and open up to someone you know or someone you don't know. Tell them something about you. Connect. What do you have to lose?

One remedy for this country is to stop looking at each other as different and instead see one another as reflections of each other. We are all human beings that are trying to 'be' in the best way we know how. United we stand, divided we fall. Love trumps Fear.

Celebrating Life

My parents have often told me that ever since I was a baby, I loved people and I was perceptive. 

They said being shy wasn't part of my nature. That I was quick to throw open my arms and want to be held even by strangers if I felt they were a good person. This friendly, unguarded demeanor followed me into my toddlerhood and early childhood until an age where I can remember how fascinated I was by people. I observed how they looked, dressed, behaved, spoke, and interacted. 

Church was one of the places I enjoyed people watching the most because I grew up Catholic. When it was time for people to line up to receive the bread and body of Christ, I was wide eyed and ready to be fully entertained by looking at every single person's nose and then their shoes. For some reason, I have always been attracted to this particular facial feature because of how it sits on the face and comes in all different shapes and sizes. I love a big schnoz! As for shoes, that obsession doesn't single me out that much since most women I know have a thing for either purses or shoes. 

As I grew older my fascination for people continued and my perceptiveness intensified. Intrigued not only by how people looked and behaved, I was also curious about what they thought or what they were feeling. Today, I realize that all of this is a driving force in my life. Essentially, this is what I do...I observe, perceive, listen, and get to ask questions in order to know what's inside of them.  

The beauty in this is that there are no two people that are the same. This is what makes all of us the wonders of God's love. We were created to be one of a kind. To think with our minds, feel with our emotions, and behave with our bodies. These things are part of what make us human and determine how we exist in this world because it is our thoughts, feelings, and actions that drive us to make choices. 

During my recent trip to Thailand and Cambodia where I celebrated my 40 years on earth, I explored these countries and all that was around me with the same wide eyes and perceptiveness I had as a little girl in church. 

For me, the landscapes, the greenery, the colors, the food, the fashion all paled in comparison to the people I observed and got a chance to interact with. It was so interesting to see the way they lived and how dedicated they were to their work. The people of both countries were of kind heart and warm with a gentle spirit. They were so willing to graciously help and serve as they greeted with soulful eyes and a delicate smile. I was in awe of the inner beauty and peace that beamed out of these people with such grace and humility.

The main religion in these countries is Buddhism, however, here I share a Bible verse that reminded me of the people:

1 Peter 3:3-4   Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as elaborate hairstyles and the wearing of gold jewelry or fine clothes. Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight.

Journey into Self

For many people, there is something really terrifying about being with self. From the time we are conceived, we are inside of another human being and with other. We grow and develop into a person and once we are born, we experience our first moment of feeling separate as an individual.

Throughout childhood, we are accustomed to being around our caregiver(s) and siblings if we have them. Once we reach a certain age, our caregiver may feel as though it is okay for us to be left alone. The reality is that no matter what our age (whether old enough or not), most of us can vividly remember the first time we were completely alone with our self and how scary it felt.

It's possible that most of us can also recall the times in our life when we felt deeply wounded by something that someone said or did or by something that someone did not say or do when we were longing for it or truly needing it in order to feel safe, loved or that we belonged.

In these moments of suffering when we feel wounded and completely alone, we begin to build a wall around our heart that we think will protect us from ever feeling hurt again in the same way. Throughout years of life events that cause us pain, our wall grows taller, stronger, and thicker until eventually our heart and spirit become cocooned and hidden from everyone including our own self.

This cocoon allows us to more easily ignore and numb ourselves from feeling our feelings. When we shut off feelings, we rely on thoughts instead and begin believing that our thoughts are more valid than our emotions. Of course we would rather stick with thoughts because we can rationalize and ruminate until things make sense or until we feel more in control and certain because this is what we 'think' feels more safe.

Do you think that animals sit around thinking about what they want, need or should do?

The truth is that thinking is overrated, not every thought we have is true, and thoughts cannot always be trusted. What we can trust more than our thoughts is our emotions and here's why...

Our emotions are energy stored in our bodies. This energy is connected to a deep inner truth inside of us called our higher Self that connects with an infinite wisdom that some call God, the universe, the force, or oneness. Our higher Self is the part of us that understands our truth and knows what we need in order to feel whole, connected, and joyful.

And the way for us to be more in touch with our higher Self is to be with self, alone with self so that we can be in tune enough to feel and listen to what it is that our self desires and needs in order to advance our spiritual, emotional, mental, and physical growth as a human being.

This is a process that is not for the weary kind. It is not for the person who will do everything possible to avoid feeling uncomfortable or feeling vulnerable.

This journey into self can be dark, lonely, ugly, and terrifying because the heart begins breaking open the cocoon built around it and the wall comes crumbling down. In the beginning things feel raw and messy until our love for self overpowers our fear of feeling.

Through courage, love, and vulnerability (openness), the heart becomes exposed and beats anew in an open space that feels free and light because it can breathe again and it can feel all of the emotions, the energy that our body naturally feels.

This journey into self teaches us that there really is nothing to fear, but fear itself, not fear of self.

We learn that we won't ever allow our self to be wounded in the same way as before because the heart now knows that the journey into being with and knowing your self has made both of you stronger, wiser, and more aware of a new reality. A reality based on the truth that being with your self, taking care of your self, and loving your self is the one and only path to truly feeling safe, loved, and that you belong.

Recently, I heard the Mumford & Sons song called Roll Away Your Stone. Perhaps the stone is the wall around your heart and rolling it away is practicing vulnerability to begin the journey into self that will lead you to feeling more whole, connected, and joyful with yourself and with others.

Roll away your stone I will roll away mine
Together we can see what we will find
Don't leave me alone at this time
For I am afraid of what I will discover inside

You told me that I would find a home
Within the fragile substance of my soul
And I have filled this void with things unreal
And all the while my character it steals

And darkness is a harsh term don't you think
And yet it dominates the things I see

It seems that all my bridges have been burned
But you say 'That's exactly how this grace thing works'
It's not the long walk home that will change this heart
But the welcome I receive with every start

Darkness is a harsh term don't you think
And yet it dominates the things I see
Darkness is a harsh term don't you think
And yet it dominates the things I see

Stars hide your fires
For these here are my desires
And I won't give them up to you this time around
And so I'll be found
With my stake stuck in this ground
Marking the territory of this newly impassioned soul

Tree Sanctuary

A newer friend I’ve made in Portland this year gifted me with a perfect moment when he recited a poem to me that I had never heard before. As a person who loves both God and trees, I instantly fell in love with the words he shared.

Root&Connect seems like the perfect space to share this poem along with pictures from what I consider to be a tree sanctuary that I was blessed to visit in Cambodia at Angkor Thom. This was a very special place! 
 

Trees

by Joyce Kilmer

I think that I shall never see

A poem lovely as a tree.

A tree whose hungry mouth is prest

Against the earth’s sweet flowing breast;

A tree that looks at God all day,

And lifts her leafy arms to pray;

A tree that may in Summer wear

A nest of robins in her hair;

Upon whose bosom snow has lain;

Who intimately lives with rain.

Poems are made by fools like me,

But only God can make a tree.

To Be Curious Is Everything

Recently, someone took the time to inquire about me and asked, “What is your driving force in life?”

It took a few moments of contemplation before coming up with my response which was curiosity!

I am not much of a netflix binger because:

a. I don't have a lot of free time to sit around and tune out

b. I am pretty high energy so I would much rather be moving and shaking than be stagnant and

c. I am too curious so I prefer reading to learn new things, writing to express an idea, creating in some way whether it be with my thoughts or with my hands, and experiencing life on my own rather than watching it on a screen

I will say that every once in a while, I will hear about a netflix show that sounds intriguing enough to make a couch commitment of at least 1 to 2 episodes a night 4 to 5 times a week. Thus far, these shows have all been in Spanish and the last one I felt borderline addicted to was called El Gran Hotel (the Grand Hotel).

This show required dedication since:

1. it was really long and drawn out

2. there were hundreds of twists and turns with heightened moments of drama and

3. the emotions displayed by the characters ranged from: love, shame, passion, anger, excitement, betrayal, hopefulness, envy, surprise, rage, joy, sadness, curiosity, and despair. It was an intense roller coaster ride of emotions that kept me on edge, but always wanting more.

In this show, I heard the phrase spoken in Spanish while subtitled in English- “La Curiosidad es Todo”, “Curiosity is Everything”. The interesting part about hearing this on the show was that in the last few months before watching it, I had been describing mindfulness with my clients as the practice of being curious, open, and flexible. There was that word again, curious.

I explain to people I work with that being curious means a lot of different things. I encourage them to get curious about their own thoughts, feelings, and behaviors in order to better understand themselves and relate with their self in a more loving, gentle, and compassionate way. In relating with others, I try to motivate them to feel curious about the other person's intentions, feelings,  and thoughts so that they are perceived as being caring and loving rather than being judgmental or critical.

If you take a moment to think about your own curiosity, you could make new discoveries about yourself, others, and your life. Since this is a topic that relates to mindfulness, my curiosity about feeling curious comes quite naturally and so I take the time to mull it over.

Things to be curious about:

• the world and how things work

• animals

• nature

• the creation of all life forms

• people you know and love

• people you don't know who you may want to know

• people you don't know, but feel empathy for

• why people behave in certain ways

• why people say what they say

• why you avoid people, situations, and conversations

• why you stay closed off when what you want most is to feel loved and connected with others

• why other people's feelings affect us so much

• why death is so hard for us who experience the loss

• why people end up falling in love with each other and sometimes hurt each other the most

• why we choose certain careers

• why we connect with certain people more than with others

• why we are destroying the beautiful world we live in

• why people leave or why they stay

• your own self

• why you say the things you say to yourself or why you act in certain ways

• your feelings and what they are trying to tell you

• your feelings and why they sometimes feel so big and out of control or why other times you can't seem to feel them at all (numbed out)

• what other places in the world look like

• what is another persons driving force

• what makes another person feel loved

• what is another person's story

• how it feels to be from another country other your own

• how it feels to be an immigrant living in America

• how it feels to be first generation American with immigrant parents

• how it feels to be discriminated against

• how it feels to be rich or poor or never satisfied with what you have

• how it feels to be completely at peace with who you are and choices you've made

This list could go on and on so I invite you to get curious about what makes you feel curious. I believe that curiosity is everything because without it, there is only apathy. Apathy defined is the lack of interest, enthusiasm, and concern. Without these things, life doesn't have purpose and we are simply existing rather than living, sort of like eating without tasting.

When you are being curious, you are showing that you care and caring IS everything! 

Daily Practice

In 2005, I was fortunate to have moved into a neighborhood that led me into stumbling upon Austin's Shambhala Meditation center. It was here that I began attending evening talks, workshops, and classes on mindfulness. During this time, I was also going to graduate school for counseling. Little did I know then, that what I was learning at Shambhala was preparing me to practice as a mindfulness counselor years later.

A few weekends ago, I had the pleasure of helping staff a weekend retreat at Portland's Shambhala Meditation center. It was a revisit to the first retreat of the Shambhala training series called Level I: The Art of Being Human which I completed in 2010 when I became hooked on the discipline of a daily meditation practice.

The vision of Shambhala is rooted in the principle that all human beings have a fundamental nature of basic goodness that can be developed in daily life and radiated out towards others in order to create an enlightened society where people and life's challenges are met with kindness, generosity, and courage.

Shambhala is a spiritual path of both study and meditation that helps us work with our minds and discover the joys of engaging the world with compassion for our self and for those around us. This attempt to live a more wholesome existence for ourselves and others is referred to as The Sacred Path of the Warrior.

At the end of the Level I weekend, we all shared our experience of having meditated together as a group for extended periods of time and this is what came up:

- Our natural innate capacity to pay attention to what we are doing while life is happening is shaky because it comes and goes so we strengthen this muscle through mindfulness/meditation practice.

- Our awareness allows us to notice when we are not being mindful so we practice coming back to our breath and to our body as a way to train our mind.

- When we meditate, we practice Seeing our thoughts, Acknowledging them, and Coming back to our breath as a way to anchor and help us become more of an observer of our thoughts without feeling the need to run in circles with them.

- When you practice sitting with yourself (body and mind), you show up for yourself over and over again which gives you agency over time and leads to a path of inner peace and wisdom.

- Meditation is way to learn how to reparent yourself as you SAY HELLO to every part of you, FEEL every part of you, and ACCEPT every part of you with gentle love and kindness.

- Meditation requires the practice of Bravery + Vulnerability so that we can become a Warrior.

For me being a Warrior means not being afraid of who you are on the inside and learning to trust yourself to meet life's challenges with genuineness and courage.

A daily meditation practice takes time, effort, and commitment. It also has the power to change your life and set you on a path to feeling good each and every day no matter what life throws your way at any given moment.

Our Vices

Would you like water, coffee, tea, wine or whiskey? how about something to eat? What about a piece of chocolate, candy, gum or maybe a cigarette instead?

Have you ever thought about the relationship we humans have with our mouth?

Freud proposed in his psychosexual stages of development, that certain areas of the body become sources of potential frustration, pleasure or both. He felt life was built around tension or pleasure, that all tension was due to the build up of libido (sexual energy), and that all pleasure came from its release.

In the first stage of personality development (0-1 years) known as the oral stage, the libido is centered around and stimulated by whatever makes contact with the mouth. Freud believed that oral stimulation could lead to oral fixation later in life and went on to describe people as oral personalities that engage in oral behaviors such as smoking, drinking, nail biting, or finger chewing when under stress.

When I took this picture years ago while walking along the streets of Florence, I remember thinking childhood vs. adulthood...'we give up one for the other'. The pacifier being one of the first things given to help us relax, soothe our crying, and comfort us in moments of feeling uncomfortable due to teething, body aches, a need not being met or feeling unsafe.

The cigarette satiates in much of the same way with an added bonus of taking deep breaths. People don't realize that part of the addiction to smoking is the mindful inhales and exhales that calm the nervous system.

I suggest to clients who tell me they want to quit smoking to engage in the exact same ritual they practice sans lighting the cigarette or instead putting something similar to a cigarette in their mouth as they focus their attention on breathing in and breathing out. Then asking them to notice if the urge to smoke the cigarette increased, lessened, stayed the same or went away. Also noticing if the compulsion to smoke had more to do with shifting their body energy, changing their environment from inside to outside or simply just needing a mental break.

I've been reading a book called The Gift of Our Compulsions as a way to help my clients who struggle with self control and/or impulse control which is characterized by impulsivity- failure to resist temptation, urge or impulse that may harm oneself or another.

Chapter 3 called Recognizing our Compulsions as Friends states this:

“whenever we are compulsive, what we are really longing for is to reconnect with ourselves. We are hungry for the experience of being grounded in our bodies again so we can live from the wellspring within that connects us to wisdom, our hearts, and to our lives. This is the connection that we knew so well when we were young; it has been waiting for us to grow up enough so that we can know and live it again on an even deeper level. Compulsions are our guides back into this connection, one that relaxes our minds, opens our hearts, and brings a twinkle to our eyes. They are not evidence that you are weak-willed or defective. Rather, they are powerful forces that are here to heal you to your core. To take this journey back to ourselves and into our full potential, we need to transform our relationship to our compulsions. If we trace them back to their roots, it is easy to see that they emerged to help us manage feelings that were too much for us. As infants, we were completely available to our feelings, both the joyful and the painful ones. The joyful ones kept us connected to our essence. The painful ones caused us to pull back from life.

The next time you find yourself feeling a need for something to put in your mouth:

1. take a pause

2. connect with your breath and your heart beat

3. close your eyes, go inward, and take an inhale through your nose on the count of 4, hold the breath in your chest for a moment, feel your lungs expand, then exhale through your mouth on the count of 6 and let something go with a loud sigh or sound

4. ask yourself what do I really need? what feeling is making me think that I need to have a drink, a smoke or all of the above?

5. get curious enough with your body to listen to it and wait to hear what it tells you by gently telling your mind that it isn't needed in this moment

Try to be mindful of how often you are using your mouth to escape from a feeling that you alone may be able to pacify with your focus, your attention, your love vs. a temporary fix.

* This is in dedication to all people who struggle with substance use, eating disorders, impulse control disorder, ADHD, depression, and anxiety.

Take the Needle Off the Record

I haven't been very good about blogging these days. It's been difficult to hunker down and discipline myself to do a number of things I have stirring in my mind on a pretty consistent basis. Not so much to-do lists, but more like goals I've set for myself, projects I've half started, and books half way read that I would like to finish.

This past month I took another class at the Shambhala Buddhist center called Joy in Everyday Life. The most amazing thing I learned from the class is that compassion means having the willingness and courage to feel your own pain. I had always thought of compassion as something you feel for others when they are suffering or struggling, but had not quite made the connection that compassion was also about how much acceptance and love you practice towards your own pain and suffering.

For some reason, hearing this was a total game changer for me. I somehow felt more ease and bravery to feel what I feel even when it feels uncomfortable or unpleasant. My perception of my pain softened and so did my heart. With this softening, I noticed my inner voice being more kind and loving towards me.  The way I talk to myself seems to come from a place of love rather than from fear. Less words of judgement, more words of comfort. I have become an observer of my inner voice and mindfully choose what to believe and what to gently push away.

In the last few years of working as a psychotherapist, I have to say that one of the most astounding realizations I've had is how hard people are on themselves. It almost seems like the root of most people's suffering comes from their own minds because of what they say to themselves, how they say it, and how much they believe these things to be true- even when they aren't.

I have become even more curious about the mind since discovering this commonality among humans no matter what their age, culture or upbringing. People give so much of their power away to their thoughts simply because they don't know that the spinning record in their mind doesn't always have to be playing nor does it have to be listened to, that the music can be changed, and that they are in charge of whether or not the needle stays on or comes off.

Lately, I have been referring to the mind's spinning record as our inner voice that plays a tune created by either our inner critic or our inner compassion. One is harsh, self-loathing, insecure, and negative. The other is gentle, self-loving, confident, and positive. The needle on the record is our awareness, our focused attention. 

The questions to ask yourself might be, where and how do I place my awareness? What does the needle on my record focus on? What kind of records does my mind play the most, inner critic or inner compassion? Do the lyrics in my head make me feel good about myself or do they make me my own worst enemy? Is what I say to myself coming from love or fear?

What I know to be true in my own life is that yoga and meditation have been my saving graces. These are practices that actually help me to silence the spinning record in my mind and love myself more. They help me grow my awareness into something that feels more expansive and yet craves the simplicity of silence, stillness, spaciousness, and self-compassion. If I go weeks without practicing yoga or meditation, I just don't feel right. I don't feel my best. I begin feeling like I have to chase calm and peace rather than allowing for this state of being to just rest over me like a blanket that warms my mind, body, and spirit tenderly.

I felt encouraged to write today by my yoga teacher who said something that beautifully describes what an amazing yoga practice can do for the spinning record. She said, “Get fascinated with the rhythms of a subtle mind.” Doesn't that sound wonderful? Your thoughts don't have to be harsh and loud! They can be soft and subtle instead. Yoga is a sure way to take the needle off the record, shift your awareness, and begin learning how to play records in your mind that inspire your inner compassion more often.

One last thing to share on how yoga and meditation can improve your existence and chill out your mind:

During the Joy in Everyday Life class, we were assigned to read a chapter called Letting the Love Flow from a book called Ruling Your World. Some of my favorite lines read:

“Stabilizing our mind anytime of the day or night is like taking a mineral bath. It dissolves our stress and revitalizes us.  As we anchor the mind to the breath, we feel grounded, strong, and clear. Our hassles slide away because we are connecting with a deeper stream of energy. Is this peace the ultimate happiness? No, it's just the first stage of joy. To bring about the next level of joy, we contemplate the happiness of others.

Attention = Love

Attention is taking notice of someone or something and regarding as interesting or important. It is also known as the action of dealing with or taking special care of someone or something.

The month of May turned out to be quite challenging for me because I was forced to feel uncomfortable and had no way out. I've decided to view this time as an experiment of noticing, feeling, giving attention to, and expanding awareness of what makes me…me.

My plan was to write a blog post on Love around the time of mother’s day, but for various reasons I wasn’t motivated or inspired enough so instead I tried practicing acceptance of how I was feeling without judgment, guilt or shame.

This process involved me getting curious about myself instead of feeling frustrated or annoyed with myself. A kind of deeper exploration of why I was not feeling my best and what I was actually feeling about not measuring up to certain standards I put on myself to achieve, do more, be productive, feel connected, and purposeful.

In the midst of this process of just being and feeling rather than doing, I actually allowed myself to feel emotions that I have a tendency to want to avoid or ignore because they are extremely uncomfortable for me. One feeling in particular that I was able to get closer with and understand better was loneliness.

This is an emotion that is often so hard for me to sit with that I normally use sadness to help me cope because feeling sad is less painful and at least I know what to do to bring it some relief like cry, journal, pray or try to numb out by binging on Netflix.

Essentially I forced myself to give attention to my loneliness instead of trying to find ways to escape from it.

Rather than distract myself with people, places, and things that would consume any moment of down time that could potentially turn into a moment of feeling, I chose to STOP and be conscious (painfully aware) of my loneliness and sadness in order to really feel these emotions, know them better, and understand what it is they need from me.

By giving them the attention they need, their grip over me loosens up and I don’t feel so suffocated, uncomfortable or afraid of them.

To my surprise this experiment turned out to be another one of those awakening experiences where it can get pretty dark in the tunnel while you’re in there, but once you’re out…everything seems brighter, more aligned, and sensical.

What I learned from this experiment is that loving yourself is a practice that often takes work, feels hard, can be complex, and definitely requires patience with discipline. I realized that the moments when you feel separate from or unlovable, are actually the moments when life is presenting you with an opportunity to step in and love yourself hard… even harder than you ever imagined you could.

The most amazing discovery I made during this experiment was that self compassion and self love is easier to understand if you begin to treat your emotions with the same kind of unconditional love and tenderness that a mother feels for her own child.

The next time you feel an emotion that feels uncomfortable for you, try not to distract yourself from it, but instead sit with the discomfort and give it the TLC it is needing from you.

If you would like to try this experiment yourself, follow these steps:

1. Stop and connect with your breathe

2. Notice what you feel by dropping out of your head (thinking) and into your body (feeling)

3. Pause and Be with the feeling

4. Notice any resistance or urge to Do something to minimize the feeling and stay with it

5. Get curious as you place your complete focused attention on the feeling no matter how much you want to suppress or avoid it

This process of giving attention will soften the emotion, lessen the energy it requires of you, and release you to experience love for yourself and for others more fully.