We All Want to Feel Accomplished

During therapy sessions with clients, there are certain words that come up often – productive, purpose, worthy, accomplished, validated and approval.

As someone who is passionate about teaching mindfulness, I find that most folks have a really hard time believing it when I tell them that they are worthy just because they exist with breath, body and a beating heart.

Now that I am months away from being on the 5th floor and saying goodbye to my 40’s, I realize I am so much more comfortable with doing less and not striving so hard to achieve more.

Don’t get me wrong, I have dreams that I try to turn into goals so that they can be given enough energy to come to life.

While I worked out this afternoon lifting heavy weights and doing what felt like endless squats, I was trying to stay focused on my body and breath, but my mind was drifting towards what ‘accomplished’ truly means.

We grow up being told and made to believe that accomplishments are:

·      Graduating from high school and then college

·      Owning a car

·      Buying a house

·      Checking off to do lists as quickly as possible

·      Completing tasks and/or work assignments in a timely manner

·      Having a family (particularly having kids)

·      Landing a good paying job to make money and own stuff

What if I said that accomplishments have little to do with what you achieve or what you acquire…And that feeling accomplished does not come from any external validation?

In contemplating this, I think about animals and trees. I deeply value both and never think to ask my animals or the trees in my yard, ‘what have you accomplished today?’

For instance, I look at my cats who I adore and feel grateful for the snuggles they give me when they feel like it or when they know I feel sad.

I see my dog who I love for the ways she teaches us to keep a healthy lifestyle and routine of walking, playing, and going to sleep early. Her love is unconditional.

The trees I admire and sometimes touch or lay down under provide me with shade on a sunny day and oxygen that helps me stay alive.

What if we focused less on our accomplishments and more on what truly helps us to feel accomplished and/or whole?

These days my accomplishments look like this:

·      Being kind to my husband & people I interact with daily

·      Treating myself nicely by remembering to monitor my self-talk to ensure it sounds loving & compassionate vs. harsh & judgmental

·      Speaking to people in my household with a more gentle tone

·      Giving compliments or smiling at strangers I pass by in the park

·      Placing my attention on my body by taking pauses to connect & take a few deep intentional breaths

·      Moving & stretching

·      Offering to help friends or family when they clearly need it

·      Sitting with myself when I am having big emotions or negative thoughts so I can be with myself long enough to understand what is going on inside of me

·      Planning less to make space for slowing down and more rest

·      Connecting with my heart daily by putting my hand on it to check in

·      Listening to my body by consciously landing into it feel embodied

·      Noticing my inner child when she gets hurt & re-wounded

·      Trying new things outside my comfort zone to grow my sense of self

·      Feeling gratitude to Mother Earth for the gifts she provides us

·      Showing Love and remembering to see others through the eyes of Love rather than fear or judgement

·      Staying true to myself & living in accordance with what makes me feel good & aligned

When I am an old woman, I won’t be measuring my life on the accomplishments that society told me I should have.

I want to believe I will be thinking of the people that influenced me and how I brought meaning to my own life and to others.

My hope is that I will be reflecting on the people I loved and those that loved me back. Those that truly accepted me for me.

The more I live, the more I understand that what we all want is to feel cared for and accepted. The accomplishments won’t really matter in the end.

Sometimes There is No Solution

Life throws us curve balls. That is just what it does.

Energy moves. We move with it.

We also have the option to Be Still and Allow for energy to do it’s thing without feeling a pull or a strong need to Fix or Change or Solve.

What does it mean to Allow?

Well, for starters it might mean To Do Nothing.

That is hard for us humans with these big brains that want to be working and problem solving to feel Productive and Useful.

What does it mean to feel Productive? Perhaps it means Confident, Energized or Worthy.

Productivity is a positive thing until it becomes your sole purpose for living and functioning.

Finding a balance between being productive and practicing peace seems like a good middle ground.

What does it mean to feel Peace? Perhaps it means Patience, Surrender & Acceptance.

There is SO much going on all of the time.

The true challenge these days is to do less and be more.

Sometimes there is no solution. There is just Observing and Acknowleding the Discomfort and the Urge to Change to suit your wants or Calm your anxieties.

Sit Still to Feel what Needs to be Felt in order for the Chaos to pass.

Energy moves one way and it is Through.

Is Your Health Holy?

March 31, 2025 marks the date of the last text message my dad wrote updating me on his health and the different ways he was treating himself to feel better as he tried to recover from the cold symptoms that began on March 20th.

A few days before the spring equinox of 2026, I had been thinking of how to celebrate the first day of the season my dad loved most, to honor him and my grief process.

On March 20th this year, I attended an all-day workshop called Therapy as a Spiritual Practice.

When I signed up, I had no idea what the workshop would be about. My motivation to go was based on getting the opportunity to meet a woman named Bonnie Badenoch who is and has become a big deal in the therapeutic world/profession.

I wondered if Bonnie was going to teach us about spirituality or if we would be learning spiritual practices that might enhance our work as therapists.

Instead, the workshop focused on offering our presence to everyone in attendance by connecting with each other and having a willingness to be open by sharing our thoughts and feelings around topics such as: Why I Am Here? Have I had any experiences in my life that felt spiritual?

Creativity and Rest (otherwise referred to as Integration) also took up a big portion of the day.

During the workshop, Bonnie told us that the words Health, Whole, and Holy all shared the same root. I was struck by this new piece of knowledge and wondered if my dad had heard of this while still alive.

As a passionate doctor/ teacher of health and wellness, there were certain topics my dad seemed to always circle back to - Whole Health and the Holy - which he believed was in the Catholic teachings and in the honoring of the Holy Trinity of Father, Son, and Holy Spirit.

Discovering that these words are all connected has been intriguing for my mind. Questions that have come up are:

If these words all share the same root, is it possible that in order for us to know true Health, we must give our energy to feeling Whole, by first giving our attention to what we experience as Holy?

If Holy means ‘to be dedicated or consecrated to God or a religious purpose; sacred’ then do we need to know God in order to feel Health and Whole?

If we figured out what Holy meant for us and then lived in accordance with serving that connection, would we truly feel Health and Whole?

Some things I know to be true for me are:

· Health has been and will continue to be one of my number one values.

· Shortly after I started learning how to focus my energy on spiritual practices that felt holy to me, I began to feel more whole.

· Feeling Whole does not mean that I am always feeling spiritually connected. It just means knowing that no matter what, Spirit is always within me and around me even when I am not giving my attention to it.

My motivation to write this today came from my continued heart desire to remember my dad, to honor him and his teachings, and to feel his presence in the only form I am now able to which is spiritually.

I hope that this sharing of the connection of these words and important states of being, inspires you to dig deeper inside yourself so that you can discover the root of what makes you feel fueled to move towards feeling Health, Whole and Holy in your daily life.

Below is what google says about Health, Whole and Holy:

‘The words health, whole, holy, and heal all share a common Old English and Proto-Germanic root, hāl or hail-, meaning “whole, uninjured, or of good omen”. This linguistic connection highlights a profound, ancient understanding that being healthy requires being whole, and being whole constitutes a state of holiness.’

Everywhere

Love hurts.

Then it hurts some more.

If you’ve never felt deep hurt, you haven’t met love.

You are made of love, but maybe you still haven’t discovered it inside of you.

Love takes time to know,

it takes patience to grow,

Remain open and one day it will show…

It’s magic, it’s power through a simple gesture of kindness, of care.

Might seem out of nowhere,

when all along its been there,

Everywhere.

All around and inside you.

Only to be found when you were ready to meet it and love it back despite the hurt.

DREAM BIG or SMALL

What if a little girl was taught that her body was meant for more than just physical beauty and procreation?

What if she was shown how to love her body for its wisdom and the freedom it allowed her?

What if she was guided to understand that her hands were meant to create just as much as to serve?

What if she was modeled nurturance and sensitivity by her father and independence and strong-will by her mother?

What if she was explained that she had a choice to be a wife and a mother and that not choosing those paths would make her just as worthy as those who have chosen this destiny?

What if she was encouraged to dream big or dream small with the understanding that her inner knowing would come with time and patience once she knew how to sit with quiet spaces in between all the doing?

Would she Go Places or would she Settle?

Would this little girl care less about her looks and beauty and more about her heart and what’s inside of it?

Would she listen to her dreams and believe them into reality?

I Believe So.

For this reason, this little girl who is now grown will keep listening to her soul, following her heart, practicing her will to dream and see these dreams come to life.

---

The above was written on May 8th while in flight to Japan. What a year 2026 has been so far. I’ve been really blessed to be able to globe trot to some fantastically gorgeous and exciting and peaceful places. Once back from Japan on May 22nd, my body knew it was time to settle back into home after all of the going places.

Thank you to Sedona for your crimson colored rocks that moved my spirit.

Thank you to Paris for reminding me of my rockin’ 20’s and for the elated joy of seeing Florence in all of her glory.

Thank you to Houston for quality time with mi mama.

Thank you Kahneeta for the serenity you provided me on the 1 year anniversary of my father’s passing.

Thank you Ojo Caliente resort and New Mexico for your culture and character that I have fallen more in love with in the last 2 years.

Thank you Japan for getting me out of my comfort zone…more on this soon to come!

Thank you Stevenson for being my special place close to home that will always be THE place where I last heard my father’s voice on that stunning sunny day in April.

Today on June 18th, I am home in my bedroom with a new haircut and a much more relaxed nervous system because I am surrounded by my things, my animals, my garden, and my best friend Chris.

Yesterday, the colleague who has an office across from mine said a colleague of hers was looking for a new office. When her phone number popped up with area code 808, I knew she would be the next person to fill the space of the office that I have so much loved. This Root&Connect office space that I moved into in January of 2022, has been a sanctuary and a sacred place for healing, connection, vulnerability, compassion, and lots of LOVE.

Many meditation classes happened here. And a very powerful process group unfolded here that lasted over 3 years with the same folks coming each week to be seen and heard and felt for their hearts to heal and souls to grow. Individuals came to sit and spill out their fears and deep seated grief.

ALL OF IT HAS BEEN SO BEAUTIFUL and SO HUMBLING. For this I am and will be forever grateful to all the humans who I have had the pleasure to cross paths with. Thank you for trusting me!

Speaking of DREAMS…here are some offerings for you to join.

Last OPEN CIRCLE at the Broadway office will be on Wed, June 24th so please sign up if you have not already.

Starting in July, I will be meeting with clients over Telehealth and in person at some of my favorite Portland parks. AND I plan to offer yoga classes on Wednesdays this summer!

Please come join if you live in Portland or Vancouver.

Once our warm weathered days end, I will be opening up an office space in Vancouver as I will be licensed in both Oregon and Washington. AND if the Universe wants this for me, I might be teaching yoga at the Yoga Coop/Wellness space I have dreamed to open since graduate school in 2005.

EVERYBODY is Different

We ALL ride the same plane.

We ALL feel the same heartbreak.

We ALL pleasure our same 5 senses.

We ALL desire from the same beating heart.

We ALL dream from the same imagination.

We ALL hurt with the same body.

We ALL experience moments of joy and sorrow.

We ALL love from the same soul.

And YET, we are ALL very different.

Each of us is uniquely ourselves.

To Be You is a gift you give to the world WHEN you learn to Accept ALL of You.

We ALL have thoughts we want to share.

We ALL have emotions that need to be released.

We ALL know what pain feels like.

We ALL long to be seen, heard & felt.

We ALL want to be valued and loved unconditionally.

We ALL crave community because we ALL want to BELONG.

Relaxed Power, Grounded Anger

Have you ever had something you really want to do, but you just can’t seem to get around to doing it or completing it?
 
What about an idea for a creative project that keeps swirling around in your mind, only you can’t seem to find the time, the energy, the motivation or more importantly, the courage to get it started?
 
After reading the book Big Magic by Elizabeth Gilbert, I now like to call the above experience, a ‘Creative Consciousness’ that finds its way into our own personal portal.

It knocks on the door of your heart and mind, dances around with your spirit for a moment or two as they both imagine the day that this ‘thing’, project or idea comes alive and becomes a reality.
 
This energy that I speak of IS inside all of us. It doesn’t matter if you’re an artist or not or consider yourself to be creative or not. You see we all have this spinning wheel of orange energy that lives inside our core. Literally this energy takes up space in the area between the pubic bone and the navel and we call it the sacral chakra. The qualities of the sacral chakra are movement, passion, sexuality, zest for life, and creativity because this is indeed the place where creation takes place. We all started out in this part of a woman's body. 
 
As long as we exist with a beating heart, we breathe in the desire to create and we breathe out the will to manifest that which we have created in our imagination. You say you don’t have imagination? Why of course you do. As long as you have a heart and a brain, you have an imagination. The key is to take time to be still, connect with your breath, calm your stream of thoughts, and give yourself permission to relax so that you are able to shift away from survival mode and into manifestor mode.
 
Here is the tricky part of the sacral chakra. The energy of the sacral chakra is meant to move, to make, to create. This orange energy swirls around inside of us and serves as fuel for a fire that wants to be ignited. If we don’t make efforts to WILL this fire into existence then this fire will be released in other ways. For instance, through grief, anger, frustration, irritation, depression, and of course anxiety. Do any of these sound familiar?
 
An actual fire starts as the result of a chemical reaction where oxygen, fuel, and heat react with one another at just the right temperature to create a combustion. Think of the combustion as a sort of explosion of energy that happens because it needs to. What if the combustion is also part of the human make up? What if we all actually need to create regularly in order to avoid an explosion that causes chaos inside of us instead of an explosion of a stunning or simple work of art or an idea turned into reality that others can appreciate too. 
 
Remember that to create does not mean you have to be a Picasso or a Gauguin. Creating means making something, anything with your heart, your mind, your eyes, and your hands. When I think of creating, I don’t just go to an amazing painting or sculpture. This creativity exists in so many different forms – writing a song, designing t-shirts or jewelry, cooking a new recipe, mixing essential oils, making soap or candles or lotions, mosaics, designing a card or writing a letter to a loved one, building something out of metal or wood, gardening, poetry, photography, drawing. This list goes on and on.
 
Let me leave you with this question to sit with: What do YOU want to create?
 
Try not to consider this another to DO on your list of to do’s. Contemplate that maybe just maybe, this ‘thing’ that wants to be created by you is nudging you to turn that fire inside of you into an actual form of fire on the outside that will shine bright for others to see and be warmed by. And perhaps, this unique fire you create for yourself will ignite something special for others to believe in their capacity to create as well.  
 
When you are able to build up the courage to begin the thing that’s been knocking on your internal door, you will feel a sense of confidence, clarity and calm that will transform into an awesome feeling of freedom and purpose because you are serving both you and others.  And this is why we are all here.
 
This all has me thinking that perhaps this is how we arrive and get to experience Relaxed Power and Grounded Anger.
 
I have thought about writing this article since March. It was knocking at my heart’s door and today it came to life. Yay! Creative Consciousness has been swirling around and inside me for many years and I am so grateful to share that I am finally creating the things that my heart, mind and spirit have been longing to create.
 
One of those 'things' is a Kids Channel on YouTube called The Feelings Doctor!
 
Why a Kids Channel? As a former teacher, tutor, coach and school counselor for elementary aged children, I know there is a need for kids to grow their emotional intelligence. I also know that school counselor positions have been gradually getting cut out of certain school districts because of one reason or another. As a psychotherapist for mostly adults, I’ve learned that there is a need for people of all ages to grow their emotional intelligence.
 
Emotional intelligence assists in our emotional health just as much as it does our mental health. I believe that kids today need a safe place where they can talk about their thoughts and feelings. They also need a safe place where they can be informed of important life skills that are not taught in schools or at home. We as humans all need to learn how to have a relationship with the parts that make us whole - our Mind, Body, Spirit and Emotions.
 
My goal for this channel is to teach and explain as we explore parts of our humanity through curiosity and creativity!
 
**A friendly request to please support the kids channel by subscribing and by sharing this link with one person you know who has a child or teenager in their home:
https://www.youtube.com/@TheFeelingsDoctor-eq1bm

Free to Be You and Me

Be You by Being True to YourSelf

This is a short write up on Authenticity. I’ve been exploring how to Live Authentically for about 8 years now since I moved to Portland, Oregon/Vancouver, WA otherwise known as the PNW. Leaving Texas was heartbreaking and at the same time a huge relief for me to finally STAY OUT of my comfort zone of the Beloved Austin, TX where I was born, where Willie Nelson Lives on, and where many humans continue to move to for fun, sun, and something different from their homeland.

Below is a song that I was in LOVE with when I was a child, let’s say around age 3. My parents owned the record and I still remember the feeling of excitement, surprise & joy when the record came out to be played on our 70’s something record player. When this particular song came on, I would dance around and sing it with a smile. At this age, I didn’t intellectually know what I was saying, but the words resonated with my spirit and expanded my heart. I felt elated and free.

This is what being authentic feels like to me – elated and free. Elated means ecstatically happy!

Singing you this song from my childhood is my way of introducing my latest 3 podcast episodes on:

• Creating Space for OurSelf

• Authenticity

• Authenticity Part 2

You can find them on Spotify or Apple podcasts. Take a Listen to one or ALL if and when you desire.

https://spotifyanchor-web.app.link/e/7pswQWU71Gb

https://spotifyanchor-web.app.link/e/7pswQWU71Gb

https://spotifyanchor-web.app.link/e/ScfNxWU71Gb

Song by The New Seekers

Free To Be...You And Me (song from 1974)

There's a land that I see where the children are free
And I say it ain't far to this land from where we are
Take my hand, come with me, where the children are free
Come with me, take my hand, and we'll live

In a land where the river runs free
In a land through the green country
In a land to a shining sea
And you and me are free to be you and me

I see a land bright and clear, and the time's comin' near
When we'll live in this land, you and me, hand in hand
Take my hand, come along, lend your voice to my song
Come along, take my hand, sing a song

For a land where the river runs free
For a land through the green country
For a land to a shining sea
For a land where the horses run free
And you and me are free to be you and me

Every boy in this land grows to be his own man
In this land, every girl grows to be her own woman
Take my hand, come with me where the children are free
Come with me, take my hand, and we'll run

To a land where the river runs free
To a land through the green country
To a land to a shining sea
To a land where the horses run free
To a land where the children are free
And you and me are free to be
And you and me are free to be
And you and me are free to be you and me

Free to Be

When You’ll Find Your Servant IS Your Master

The title of the this post comes from a song by The Police called Wrapped Around Your Finger. Thank God for the 80’s and all of it's amazing artists!

This past Friday through Sunday was Weekend #2 of the 9-month Breathwork Training I signed up for last September. It was an intense 3 days of focusing on our shadow to better understand how our shadow shows up in our daily lives and the ways that we either relate with it or try to push it away.

The first breathwork event I attended was on the Fall equinox in 2022 with no clue that about a year later I would be making the decision to become a breathwork facilitator. In mid January of 2023, I attended a 2nd breathwork event with my husband Chris and a few of my clients who I had wanted to introduce to this healing modality.

Both breathworks brought up a lot for me that I was able to dance through, breathe through, cry through, scream through, shake out and shake off. Think of breath work as a group meditation where everyone has their own yoga mat/space with pillows, blankets, whatever is needed to feel comfortable.

The lights go out and the music begins as you feel the vibrations of the sound pulsate through the vibrating strings of energy inside your body.  It doesn’t take long for you to begin feeling and sensing in a way that helps you start to get out of your conscious mind and into the other 90% of your mind which lives in your body – the subconscious and the unconscious.

What happens from there is a mystery and cannot be described in any one way because there are no two people with the same story, perception, experiences, mind, body, spirit and soul. Imagine that what does occur is what needs to come to the surface so that it can be felt, processed, and better understood so that it can be cleared out. Let’s call breathwork a type of cleansing, a detoxification where the power of your breath and your body work together to move energy upward and outward so that you can feel less heavy and less tension as you move towards feeling more aligned to your essence which is love, peace, joy, and light.

Going back to this past weekend, the breathwork was able to shed light on my shadow and the ways that it shows up/has shown up throughout most of my life. Before going into breathwork on Saturday, we did a guided meditation on Friday where I was able to identify my shadow as the part of me that feels fear and shame, the part of me that plays the judger and sometimes criticizes others to keep them at arm’s length. My shadow and I relate to one another like old friends because we have spent so much time together beginning in childhood and into adulthood.

During the breathwork, I learned that my shadow is also my anxiety and my depression. It’s the part of me that sometimes feels hopeless or defeated and just wants to give up on living because it’s too painful or it feels too hard to stay afloat. Fear and shame are the root, they the darkest parts of my shadow that lead me to want to give up or give in when the sadness or despair feel too strong and try to convince me that I am separate from everything and everyone.

All that I share here is new information that I haven’t ever quite been able to understand at this level. It’s awareness that helps me to acknowledge one of the most important aspects of myself which is my darkness.

I cannot know my light without first knowing my darkness. I cannot grow only in the light because each day I come to better understand that growth comes from discomfort. We as humans normally don’t experience discomfort in the light. It is in the dark that we meet our most fragile and vulnerable parts. The parts of us that need our attention, our compassion, our acceptance, our love. The parts that crack us open so that the light can get in and shine through.

After such a full and intensive weekend where we as a collective of 9 women did the work, our work, I left the training on Sunday night feeling fulfilled, open, tender, exhausted, and deprived of the light that can only be felt outside.

Today, I treated myself in the ways that I know my Self wants and needs. I slept until noon and then went on a hike to be with the wonderful great outdoors just 24-minutes away from home…to the Columbia Gorge!

The sun was peeking out, the air felt crisp, and the winds picked up while I walked along Cape Horn Trail. Parts of the trail were affected by the recent snow and ice storm that came through in mid-January.  There were moments I felt fear to walk on the snow and ice at higher elevations. At one point, my fear and anxiety told me to stop and turn around, but I chose not to listen. I made a conscious choice to quiet my shadow and tell it that we would keep going to see the light we came to experience.

When reaching my destination at the 2nd viewpoint, I looked out to the Gorge to be greeted by the dark and the light in the skies. It was magnificent! And just what I needed to help my weekend’s experience come full circle. On the drive home from the hike, I was captivated by what felt like my dark and my light reflected back at me through the paintings of the sunset.

Life truly is magical. When you open your eyes and begin to notice, you will find that everything around you is working together to hold you, teach you, love you, and give you exactly what you need. My relationship with my shadow will be forever changed because of my breath, my body, and the teachings that earth continuously offers through her love, energy and presence. Shadow has been and always will be wrapped around my finger just as I too will be wrapped around it.

Stay tuned for when Root&Connect will begin to offer opportunities for more movement/ practices to BE more in our bodies in the forms of: Yoga, Breathwork  & Intuitive Groove Dance Nights. Being Embodied to Feel Free! 

Holy Days

The time has come for Christmas cheer

Regardless of what actually feels near and dear

To our hearts this holiday season.

The pressure is on to celebrate red, white, and green

Regardless of whether or not we will be truly seen

By those we call family and friends.

The mood shifts inward as we remember the child inside

The part of us that loved opening gifts and thrived on the excitement of

Togetherness and being visited by Santa Claus.

The days get shorter, and night becomes longer

As we witness the wrapping up of another year.

What did 2023 teach us?

What was this year’s gift for you?

Jolly jingle bells ring

While we all sing

Glory to baby Jesus

Who came to Earth

For the purpose to Be and Show Love.

These holidays are in fact holy days of feeling the darkness

While we understand that the light continues to shine bright

Even when we can’t see it or feel it.

Be gentle with YourSelf this December.  Take a Listen to my shares if you need or feel called to. Two new shares on Root&Connect podcast!

https://podcasters.spotify.com/pod/show/angela-guerrero-chapin

Life is Grief & Grief is Life…You Can’t Have One Without the Other

Well, here I am finally sitting down to write this blog post that’s been marinating inside me for what feels like a very long time.

 I haven’t written anything personal in a while because I’ve been stuck in a rut, a 3- year rut to be more precise. It’s not like I’ve been in the deep dark holes of depression the whole time, but more like a roller coaster ride of grief.

 This ride has been full of highs and low lows that sometimes took me down hard, shook me up, turned me upside down, and left me disoriented, heartbroken, devastated while I swam through despair feeling like I was going to drown, despite my being a really good swimmer.

 After being steeped in grief for a while, I am now able to share because of the recent breakthrough I’ve had that has set me free on this last day of being 46 years old.   Because of this newfound spaciousness and magical release, I am ready to be completely vulnerable about where I am, who I am and what I am about.

 Let’s begin by going back to my childhood. I was a little girl who loved talking to and teaching her dolls. Her 8 cabbage patch kids to be exact. Since a very young age, I dreamt of one day having children of my own much like most of us women who are biologically created with the itch to be a mommy and/or raised to believe that our purpose in life is to procreate with our prince charming whenever he finds us.

My own family dissipated when I was 4 years old and one of the ways I coped was by dreaming about how my own family would be one day.

 Most of you know that I did not meet the love of my life until I was 41 years old. Let’s face it, a lot of that was God and the other half was me not being ready to embark on the journey of love because of my own pain and emotional turmoil.

 I’ve been reading a good book called All About Love by Bell Hooks where she quotes Erich Fromm in book The Art of Loving. Fromm writes: ‘To love someone is not just a strong feeling-it is a decision, it is a judgment, it is a promise. If love were only a feeling, there would be no basis for the promise to love each other forever. A feeling comes and it may go’.

 I share this quote with you today because this pretty much sums up a. why I didn’t marry until I was 43 years old and b. why I am feeling so free today just before I begin my 47th adventure around the sun.

 Just before Chris and I married in July of 2020, he scheduled his reversal vasectomy on March 3rd of 2020, 10 days before the world blew up with covid. He was not gung-ho about this procedure or about having a 3rd child after the two he already has from his first marriage. His exact words to me during our conversations about having a kid together were ‘I have kid PTSD from my kids and I don’t think I want another one.’

 He wasn’t wrong, his kids were extremely challenging the first year I knew them, then got worse, and it isn’t until now that we are starting to see some light at the end of the tunnel. Never in million years did I think that being a stepmom would be the absolute most difficult experience I’ve had to endure. His kids have good hearts and I love them. The reality is that Brooklyn’s autism and Eli’s severe ADHD have been thorns on this rose called life that have truly challenged my ability to self-regulate, stay calm, and be the adult/acting with emotional maturity. The good news is that I’ve been able to withstand the storms and it feels as though them getting older is helping us all to find refuge and enjoy one another when we are together.

 Back to 2020 about 3 months after the reversal vasectomy, doctors said we could get started on the baby making around June of 2020 and so we did. I was convinced that I would be pregnant within 3 months. Around November of 2020, I went to see a fertility doctor to see about what we could do to help.

 Chris and I took a wazoo of supplements that were supposed to help him and myself then when that didn’t work, we started thinking outside the box…okay maybe outside my box because nowadays IUI & IVF seem to be almost as common as getting pregnant naturally. I had been fertile in the past and I thought I would never have to take these routes. Chris was also not gung-ho about IVF so that was a consideration of mine before making the big decision to do it.

 The one last thing I did try before IVF was Panchakarma which is an Ayurvedic detox that is supposed to clean the system from the inside out and clear away literally ‘a shit ton’ of toxins. The Panchakarma happened in spring of 2022 and it was hands down, the most amazing cleanse I’ve ever felt. By end of summer 2022, I was talking to fertility clinics in the U.S. and in Colombia.

 At the end of October 2022, Chris and I planned our first trip to Colombia together where he was able to meet my family and witness the spectacular beauty of the country where my roots come from. While there, we started the IVF process, then Chris left in early November and I stayed back to begin the 14 days of injections to produce a good quantity of eggs to fertilize. On November 19, 2022, there were 10 healthy eggs retrieved from my body and my doctor raved about how impressed he was to see a 45 year old woman with a good number of eggs. I felt hopeful. Then the next day, I got the call that the fertilization of my eggs with my husband’s sperm was not viable. Even IVF would not make this work for us.

 I came back home to the PNW on November 21st of 2022 and fell into a deep dark depression that lasted through the holidays. It was so difficult to wrap my head and heart around what we just did only to get the same answer we had gotten before…because of his vasectomy, Chris was infertile. The only option would be for me to choose a sperm donor if we wanted to move forward with trying to have a baby through pregnancy.

 During this depressive wave, I knew I needed something to help me get out of the funk so I told Chris I needed to go on a wellness retreat. In February of 2023, I went to the Dominican Republic to soak up all of its goodness – the sun, the ocean, the natural wildlife of this island and more importantly, the Spirit that lives on the land and inside the people from there. The retreat was a wonderful reset and there I received the message from my heart that I needed to keep going, I needed to try to make the baby happen.

 In April of 2022, I decided to choose a donor. He would be a Colombian man with hazel eyes and dark hair like my husband. The donor ID# was chosen and communicated, but there were a few more steps needed. Just before hitting the green light to fertilize my eggs with this donor sperm, Chris got news of being laid off from work. I took this as a sign that I needed to press pause on this decision and so I did.

 Summer came and went, we had some good times in our new travel trailer. We visited one of my favorite places called the Olympic National Forest in Washington. Chris, the kids and I all enjoyed the magnificent beauty of this forest. Sol Duc Falls is one of the most gorgeous waterfalls I have ever seen and each time we go there, I am amazed by the astonishing beauty and palpable energy that radiates from the water and greenery.

 I had told myself that in September of 2023, I would revisit the baby thing and so I did. Two weeks after talking with the fertility doctor in Bogota, on the night of the Fall equinox, I participated in a ceremony that changed my mind, healed the deep-seated grief inside me and transformed my heart. The message I received from Spirit, God, The Virgin Mary, and my paternal grandmother Mama Conchita (who birthed 8 children and became widowed in her early 40’s) was that I could let this baby dream go.

 The exact words I heard were ‘you don’t need this to be happy and fulfilled’, ‘Mother Earth is tired, please listen to hear heartbeat and connect with how tired she is’, ‘there are enough people on this planet’, ‘there are more than enough children already who need attention and love’. I heard my grandmother whisper, ‘do something different’, ‘you can create other things that will nurture you and others’, ‘your gifts will be your baby’, ‘you will birth your Self instead of a baby’.

 These are really BIG words to hear and to take in. It’s been about 2 months since the day of Fall equinox on September 22nd of 2023. After hearing these words, my heart was beating so hard in my chest that I could barely breath or control myself. I was having a panic attack. It was as though the fear, the grief, all of the sad and anger I felt about not being a mother was bubbling up to the surface and causing a big physiological reaction in my body.

 What I did not know is that this experience was a BIG RELEASE of energy, of emotions that needed to be felt and released so that I could begin to be set free. Free from the pain, from the sorrow, from the inadequacy I had been feeling for years about not being a mom to my own child, about not knowing what it’s like to birth a child from my body or have that deep connection with another human being I created inside of me through love through God’s love, power and will.

Today, about 2 months later a few other things have transpired and more emotional release has happened on its own timing. More healing than ever would have imagined possible in such a short period of time. Through the 9- month breathwork training I started this November, I was miraculously able to birth a baby energetically and I saw her clearly… the baby girl I had dreamt of having my whole life, the girl I would name Rio Savannah which was the name I would scribble on my notebooks in high school.  

 It's hard to put into words how profound this whole experience has been for me. I feel so much gratitude in my heart and peace in my mind because the dream of being a mom to my own child no longer has a strong hold over me. I don’t need this to be happy, fulfilled, worthy, enough. I don’t need this to make me a real woman. It has taken me years to get to this place where I can write this and say it out loud without wanting to cry and/or feel shame.

 I can say with complete truth that I will forever grieve the loss of this dream I carried with me for most of my life. I can also say with complete honesty that I am okay with this reality because I love the life I have created for myself, the life that God has gifted me with. When you imagine your life to look one way and then you get something different, a big part of the grief is the loss of what you dreamt or imagined would happen, but never did.

What is missing is being called mom and knowing what that bond feels like. What is present is a lot of love in my heart to give, a lot of ideas to share, and a lot of gratitude for being who I am, where I am and what I am about.

 Since making the big decision to shelf the baby dream, I have had a surge of energy as the grief has moved away from the Stages of Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and towards Acceptance. Grief is painful as it robs us of our life force. Since the grief has moved through me, I have been able to focus more on all of the things I want to create in this lifetime. Creations for my Self and for others. Creations that God wants me to create with the heart, mind, spirit, voice and hands that were given to me for a special reason.  

 A few of the things I have done in the last 2 months to direct my energy, focus and love have been: volunteering for Friends of Trees to plant more trees that will hopefully help Mother Earth and her people; volunteering with Chris at our church for a program called Foster Parents Night Out where we hang out with foster kids one Saturday per month so that their foster parents can have a break; signing up for an Oil Painting class because my creative side wants to draw and paint more; starting to write my first children’s book; and lastly I finally started the Root&Connect podcast so I can share the wisdom I’ve gained from working with kids, teens, and adults as a counselor for 16 years.

 This is my first time to introduce the podcast and I will say it feels scary to put it out there, but I feel excited to be sharing my voice with others. If you would like to follow the Root&Connect podcast please visit:

 https://podcasters.spotify.com/pod/show/angela-guerrero-chapin

There are currently 5 episodes on the podcast.  I plan to add many more of my sharing and eventually inviting others to share alongside me. I think there is a section where you can comment, please do so if you feel inspired to. I would love to receive any and all feedback. Please keep in mind that this is a new project and I am not aiming for perfection. What matters most is that I get what’s inside of me out to share with others in the hope that it will help, heal, and raise awareness because living consciously is one of my number one values.

 Cheers to age 46. Here’s to celebrating ages 0-46 because I have lived and learned so much and my life truly is blessed and full.

 Thank you for taking the time to read about my process. If you know of any women in your life who are childless not by choice, I encourage you to share this with intention to bring hope and let them know that they are not alone.

 We are never alone. God is with us. Love is all there is.

Maui Magic Still Needs Love & Support

Two things I truly Love are Yoga and the island of Maui. 

Want to know Why?

Because they have both helped me to Love more deeply. Both myself and others. 

My love for Yoga began in 2001 after moving back from Paris at the ripe age of 24. The first time I practiced was at a Gold's Gym in Austin, TX where I took kickboxing classes.  I remember leaving the gym that day feeling very different from the way I felt after kickboxing. 

The level of peace I felt in my body and calm in my mind was something new that I knew I needed. Who doesn't want to feel more peace and calm?

Since then, I became hooked. In 2012, I made one of the best decisions I have ever made - I signed up for 200 hour yoga training that changed my life and cracked me wide open. 

I was more in my body than I had ever been, feeling emotions I had been stuffing for years. Slowly with each intensive weekend of studying and practicing yoga, I began to understand why this is a practice referred to as the Union of Mind, Body & Spirit. 

Today, after 10 years of doing mostly talk therapy, I am now ready to begin helping people move towards loving yoga as much as I do because I now fully believe in Body Centered Healing.

Practice Yoga! For no other reason than to feel good, to feel more connected to your Self, to calm your wandering mind, and to experience the magic that happens when you move with an intention in your heart connecting breath & body. 

A big portion of the proceeds will go to this organization that is helping Maui survivors who have lost everything:

https://ilimanator.com/maui/

Please read more on what this fellow Warrior Woman, 
Ilima-Lei is doing to empower young women of Native cultures to rise above and be set free from violence.

Here is a taste of what she is about which I feel inspired and moved by:

When Ilima is not inside the cage, you can find her pursuing her other passions with the same fighting spirit. After learning about the MMIW movement and the epidemic of violence against native women, she decided to create a scholarship program and her own foundation to empower these young women around the world. She believes that a life worth living is one in service of others. You can also find her on the frontlines of indigenous movements protecting sacred sites, supporting native-owned businesses, working with kupuna (elderly) and rescuing shelter dogs. She is currently living and training full-time in San Diego with her partner and their dog pack, but frequently comes back home to the islands when she can.

To read more on her bad assery click here:

https://ilimanator.com/about/

Join me on Monday, October 2nd from 6 to 7:15pm at Wild Hearts Wellness in Portland, Oregon. It will be special; it will be fun!

Maui Magic

Maui is my happy place. Its natural beauty astounds me and awakens my spirit to all of the magic of island life.

Hearing the news of the fires on August 8th made my heart sink as I felt the heaviness of destruction and the sorrow of loss. The west coast of Maui would forever be changed as Old Lahaina would now become New Lahaina.

Thank goodness for the survival of the historical Banyan tree that today has sprouted new leaves of hope for the people of Maui to remember that Mother Earth is resilient and strong.

Some of my best healing has happened in Maui. I first visited in the summer of 2011 and went back to live in Kihei during the summer of 2013 so that I could try to put together the pieces of my broken heart after years of stuffing unresolved grief.

Below is a link to a blog post written in December of 2015 with a photo of me in one of my all time favorite places in Maui called Kam 3. While living in Kihei, I visited Kam 3 everyday to swim in the ocean and watch the sunset.

https://www.rootandconnect.com/blog/ok1w4kdvmjdygwbv1cerpxnzrdinfn

Because of my love for this land, I would like to offer a yoga class as a benefit to helping Maui to recover from the fires of this summer. Please come join me at Wild Hearts Wellness for a yoga class that I hope to become a weekly practice called Heartbeat Yoga.

Maui is a special place that is very close to my heart. Let’s come together in community to connect breath and body in honor of this figure 8 island that many of us love because we love how we feel when we are there.

Which Christmas Do You Worship?

Wow, times flies. Fall came and went with its ups and downs and today marks day 3 of Winter. The winds have moved the cold to all parts of the U.S. in the last 24 hours forcing most of us to stay inside to be with our families, our pets, our roommates or with ourselves.

I feel grateful for being snowed in with icy streets around us as this invites a much needed opportunity to sit down by the fireplace with 3 kitties surrounding me while I try to use my focus to create. To put some thoughts on paper because this frees up some brain space, brings my heart joy and boosts confidence. Writing is a thing I love to do, but somehow never find the time for.

This is the first year where I’ve felt more curious to explore what happens to the earth on winter solstice and the meaning that this day has on all of us as we sync up with nature consciously or unconsciously.

Here’s what I’ve learned: the word solstice comes from the Latin terms sol- the sun and sistere- to make stand. Considered one of the most powerful points of the year, Winter Solstice marks the day when the axis of the Earth pauses, shifts and moves in the opposite direction. We experience the power of this standstill point and the shift of direction for 3 days around the solstice points.

What spiritual meaning does this act have on us humans living on Mother Earth?

Well, essentially our planet’s pause or stand still is a powerful metaphor for the energy that is available to us at the Winter Solstice. With this energy, we can change the direction of our lives with intention (heart’s desire) and build on this energy while we enter into a new year.

Winter Solstice is mostly known to be the one day of the year where we experience the darkest day and the longest night and puts into motion a process where nights grow shorter and days grow brighter until Summer Solstice arrives again.

During yoga classes leading up to December 21st, our teachers made efforts to bring awareness to this significant day. One teacher spoke of the darkness we are experiencing externally which can also lead to feeling darkness internally. She spoke of the darkness being a place where the unmanifested lives until it is ready to be manifested or brought to light.

This insight got my wheels turning. I imagined undiscovered parts of me hiding in the dark, forces of energy in stillness waiting to be released, new awakenings at rest in the silence until the perfect time to reveal themselves.

The gift of this epiphany: ‘My enlightment is cleverly disguised in my darkness, without one I cannot know the other. Whoa!

I decided to google unmanifested: a complete lack of self-consciousness, an absence of consciousness of anything vs. manifested: to make evident or certain by showing or displaying.

When seen in this way, it IS our darkness that paves the way for us to be able to see and know a new light, a new understanding, a new discovery, new realizations about life and more importantly about our Self.

The Self made up of energy which is the building block of our essence, our consciousness that is a forever changing process infinitely evolving until we take our last breath.

As someone who helps people who struggle with depression (darkness) and anxiety (fear), I wanted to understand this epiphany even further. Before researching, I thought about human internal darkness – the fears, the shame, the guilt, the worry, the sad, the angry, the lonely, the confusion, the hopelessness, the helplessness, the denial, the despair.

The emotions that ultimately lead to feeling an absence, an empty, a disconnect or a sense of not belonging. All forming heavy energy that feels dark inside, that haunts us, and tells us that we are unloved, not enough, not whole, that some ‘thing’ is missing.

Our fear gets stirred up by this darkness and infiltrates our minds as we begin to believe that the only way to feel what we want to feel – loved, valued, accepted, seen, heard, felt – is to fill our lives with all of the ‘things’ needed to feel and be in the light – money, stuff, status, degrees, achievements, jobs, accomplishments, titles, memberships.

The truth is that these ‘things’ ultimately hold no real value until we discover that it is in our darkness, our darkest moments when we actually pause, stand still and go inward so that we can know our heart, feel into what truly matters to us, remember our highest Self, and bask in the glory of the unconditional love that Christ has for every single one of us.

Ironically, my curiosity or my heart (however you choose to see it) encouraged me to look up the meaning of the word epiphany and to my surprise this is what I found.

Epiphany: A usually sudden manifestation or perception of the essential nature meaning of something. It is also the name given to the day that the 3 wise men found Jesus in the manger so it is also defined as the manifestation of Christ to the Gentiles as represented by the Magi (Matthew 2:1-12) or the manifestation of a divine or super natural being.

At this point, you may wonder why I’ve titled this writing about Christmas. The short answer is that all of this is symbolic to the time of year we are experiencing now.

Christmas is intended to be a holiday of honoring Christ by remembering the darkness he indured while living as a human particularly in his last moments of being tortured and crucified.

Christmas is about giving love in the form of our presence and time to those we consider close and to those we don’t even know. For example a homeless person or the old man sitting alone next to you at a restaurant.

Christmas is a season for us to bring joy to others by offering our warmth and kindness, our openness.

Christmas is a time to reflect on all of the ways that God (Universe) blessed us with gifts throughout the year. For instance, the experiences we had, the people we came into contact with, the opportunities that opened up for us, the beauty that unfolded during the seasons of Spring, Summer, and Fall.

Christmas is a holiday that allows us to celebrate each others existence through the giving of a present, a card, a visit or even just a phone call that says to our loved ones, ‘I see you, I think of you, I remember you, you are in my heart.

Christmas is not about overspending, getting into debt, feeling overwhelmed or stressed about getting the perfect gifts.

Christmas is not about feeling unworthy because you don’t make lots of money to spend on others.

Christmas is not the season to worship Santa Claus or the number of presents we will receive.

Christmas IS the day to remember and worship Christ as a divine spirit with a sacred heart who lived to teach us about love, acceptance, kindness, compassion, leadership, humility, forgiveness and the power of connecting with people by truly seeing them and the goodness in their hearts despite their imperfections and/or faults.

A special person in my life recently shared these words that perfectly sum up why we celebrate Christmas – the season to honor the birth of Christ.

Christ on the Cross

He has his head bowed to greet you

He has the crown on his head to adorn you

His arms out to embrace you

His feet stuck together to stay with you.

by Saint Catherine of Siena from the Dialogue of Divine Providence. Chapter 128

Merry Christmas to All. May this holiday season of 2022 be filled with Peace, Love, and Light for you and those around you.

*Click on link below if you would like to read the article that inspired my yoga teacher to speak of Winter Solstice which in turn inspired me to write this in honor of Christmas and the birth of our Lord Jesus.

https://www.on-seeing.com/home/2021/12/21/winter-solstice-darkness-meditation

nativity made in Colombia from corn husks

made by an artisan in Salento, Colombia

Checking Out to Check Back In

Wow. I can’t believe it’s been 8 months since I last posted on my blog. Where does the time go?

Well, let’s see.

Winter hijacked spring up here in the Pacific Northwest so the lack of sunshine and vitamin D in my body literally robbed me of the usual energy and inspiration that gets sprung inside during spring. I spent the first 4 months of this year battling SAD (seasonal affective disorder), then thankfully in May I was able to take a one month sabbatical from offering therapy to get centered in my own Self and truly rest from listening to the ways in which depression and anxiety torment my clients.

Taking time off was much needed. May was indeed magical!

In the earlier part of the month, we stayed at a cheese farm in Eastern Washington where we got to connect with goats, sheep, pigs, dogs and many cats. I was in heaven! It was a real treat to be fully disconnected from city life to enjoy the subtleties of the country. My senses were soothed by the silence and spectacular sounds of the simple things we take for granted – the gentle breeze, leaves swaying from trees, insects speaking their unique language.

The later part of May was filled with a completely different type of adventure. The old growth rainforest named Hoh found in the Olympic National Forest. I’ve never seen so much natural beauty in my life. It was an art show created by nature just being and doing what it does – growing, existing, dying, and starting over to restore and replenish the land. The hall of moss was my absolute favorite and the Hoh river took my breath away as it descended into the gorgeous snowcapped Mount Olympus.

Both of these experiences revitalized me and brought me back to my center. I felt nourished. Whole.

June arrived and it was time to get in gear for the long awaited day that most girls dream about just after they’ve watched Cinderella for the first time. The day of the ball where she gets to dress up to look like a princess and profess her heart to her prince. For me, this ball would be under big glorious trees next to a river called Sandy looking more like a greek goddess than a princess.

My brain was full of all the details involved in throwing a ‘successful’ party where the energy flowed and the itinerary sewed the seeds to grow an unforgettable day of bliss, love, and joy. My sleep was hijacked by imagined plans while my mind raced even after reaching the finish line. The day after our wedding party, my body and brain weren’t sure what to do with themselves despite the deprivation of rest and sleep. All this being said, it was well worth it! The entire weekend was perfect and the day of our wedding party on July 3,2022 was truly blissful!

I got to experience what it feels like to be a bride even though I wasn’t actually a newly married woman. Sharing this day with our families and friends felt important. Celebrating our union and expressing our vows in front of the people we love felt like a sacred honoring of our love and commitment to one another.

God was present for all of it, in our hearts, in the trees, in the rays of the sun, in the flowers that surrounded us and laid upon the crown of my head, in the eyes of the deer roaming nearby, in the flowing of the river that ran alongside the perfect little nook of the world we had chosen as our place for this special day. This place was called Oxbow which means a U-shaped bend in the course of a river. Our park area was called Coho which means a deep-bodied North Pacific salmon with small black spots.

I will cherish this day and always remember the way I felt in my heart to be with the people we both love who wanted to be present for us to rejoice in the spirit of being joined while encompassed by so much natural beauty.

With so much gratitude for this day that we waited 2 years to experience here is one of my favorite photos of Chris and I being ourselves. He the seeker and I the dreamer.

Begin Again

The present

It’s a new year and oh what a relief to come out of the December darkness I was in. The last few months of 2021 felt like a gradual unhinging that came loose around winter solstice and the days leading up to Christmas.

The holidays can be a time where things bubble up for all of us. I know that for me this year, my emotions got really big, erupted, and spewed all over the people I live with who I call my newish family- my husband Chris and his kids.

Then the first day of the year arrived which felt like a revival. January 1st- a new year, a fresh start, a blank slate to Begin Again. Surprisingly the weather was absolutely perfect so we decided to visit the mountain and frolic in the snow with the new snowshoes that Chris gifted us.

We stepped one foot in front of the other feeling refreshed by the cold, crisp air, the sun shining on our faces and all of nature that seemed to glow from the reflection of the sun on the white snow. I basked in the beauty and remembered the feeling of joy as it radiated through me. Hope for the beginning of a new year tickled my insides. I was back. Ready to Begin Again in 2022.

The past

Rewind to when the picture above was taken. This is the tan version of me some time in September of 2015 while I am adventuring around one of my favorite places on earth – Maui!

I have recently completed the 3000 hours needed to get my license as a Professional Counselor and waiting for my license to arrive so I can officially decide where I want to call home and practice as a fully licensed therapist. As soon as my hours were tallied, I began the process of transformation. I decided to pack up all of my belongings, put them in storage, and hand over the lease of the duplex I had been living in since 2010 to my good friend Manuel.

Completing 3000 hours was a trek that consumed me, my energy, my focus for 2 years. When all was said and done, I decided to throw a 3000 hour party that many friends would remember as my ‘going away’ party. Where I was going was still a mystery to me.

In summer of 2011, I visited Maui for the first time and fell in love with it. I ventured around the whole island and experienced all of its wonder and glory. Later that same year, I visited Portland for the first time on Thanksgiving weekend and also fell in love. The weather was perfect, magic was in the air and I thought that Portland and its surrounding areas were like no place I had ever been before.

Going to Maui again in 2015 after completing my hours was my vacation getaway that would also help me to determine if Maui was where I wanted to call home. After one month of being in Maui, I went back to Austin to contemplate if I had the courage to move to an island on my own and be so far away from family and friends in Texas.

The Choice

The job offer I received from an organization in Maui resulted in very low pay. No shock there. If living on an island was not going to be my destiny for that time in my life, then living in what I call God’s 2nd country would be.

Portland was on my radar despite my hesitancy to move to a much less sunnier place than Maui or Texas.

In November of 2015, I came to see about a job that offered to pay for my move from Austin to Portland. It was also fall so naturally I was giddy with all of the trees having changed colors. A visit to Mount Tabor for the first time and I fell in love with Portland all over again.

My choice was made. I couldn’t believe I was actually going to leave Austin to move to the Pacific Northwest. I was trading sunny days for rainy, reflective days that would turn out to be the medicine I needed to heal myself from the inside out.

I had no idea what the universe had in store for me. When I ponder on this transformation I made at age 39, I realize that – God, spirit, the divine feminine – must have conspired to help me by uprooting me from my comfort zone so that I could break open, transform, heal, grow, and blossom into who I really was and am today – a whole human who actually loves myself and truly means it.

The future

I think about writing my memoir just about everyday now. My plan is to write a book about my life in hopes that it will serve others who are on the path to healing, practicing self love and self acceptance authentically. A shorter way of saying this is: I want to help people who want to get real with themselves and others so they can live free feeling whole.

In this book, I plan to share much more about my path to awakening and evolving into a person who chooses to live consciously and honors my consciousness because this is the highest, truest form of me. My consciousness is the person observing my Self. It’s the part of me who sees, hears, feels, senses, thinks, acknowledges and accepts me without judgement, without fear. It’s the part of me that is guided by a knowing that comes from my spirit and my heart and is fueled by presence and infinite love.

Here are some of the words of wisdom that my raised level of consciousness came up with during the darker days that ended the 2021 year for me. I wanted to share them with you and the rest of humanity living the human experience:

• You have to Get Uncomfortable to Be Comfortable.

• You have to feel alone in your pain. No one else is going to walk you through it. Learn to hold your own hand.

• Boundary setting involves DISENGAGING. First externally, then internally. Hold onto your Power.

• Be Vulnerable or Be Lonely.

• Love is not about needing someone. It’s about wanting to Be With someone and taking pleasure in getting your needs met by them (at times) because you know what they are and you can communicate them with the person you love.

• Move away towards Self Abandonment and Towards Self Reunification

• How about some Selfullness? Feel full with Your Self, not full of Your Self.

• Self Judgement Equals Self Abandonment. Choose Self Acceptance and Feel your Heart Smile.

• Darker days are preparing us to See the Light More Clearly.

• Self Compassion is the ultimate form of Love. Compassion for other comes second.

All of what I’ve shared above would not be coming from my heart and mind unless I had experienced the discomfort of the dark days during this past holiday season, the uncertainty of where to live after completing my 3000 hours or from having to make the tough choice to move to a new place with less warmth.

As we begin this new year, I invite you to consider the choices you have to make as opportunities rather than obstacles. Every new day has possibility to be another one of your best days. Turn to your heart to seek answers and trust in the gift of change. One truth to hold onto is that in life, we always have the chance to Begin Again.

Welches, Oregon on January 1st 2022

We Are All Swirling Leaves

There’s been so much stirring up inside of me this Fall. It’s been a season of great teachings that my heart longs to share with you.

Here’s the breakdown - Life and Grief are one in the same.

Think about it: Everything ends. Change is inevitable. People come and go. With every beginning, there is an end to something else. Each new season equates the death of the season before it.

In our 20’s, we grieve our teenage years. In our 30’s, we grieve our 20’s. In our 40’s, we grieve our 30’s and so on. It’s impossible to live and not feel a sense of loss of what was, who we were back then, the people we felt close to at one time.

The earth experiences birth, life and death over and over again as it rotates around the sun.

I’ve been pondering this question that came to me during one of my sessions with a client. I asked her, ‘Will you be a swirling leaf that gets blown in every direction the wind takes you or Will you be a tree that roots down into the ground with confidence that this is where you want to be and where you belong?’

The answer I came up with for myself is that for the most part I want to be a tree. Rooted in who I know I am, grounded by my beliefs, my values, and what my heart chooses to live in service of.

But on this tree, I grow leaves that are a big part of my make up. Leaves that follow the cycle of life - Sprout, grow, exist, and eventually fall off to experience a slow death of being carried by wind and rain until one day I finally dry up, crumble into tiny pieces and blow away. Never to be seen again.

What I’m saying is that we are both the tree and the leaf. The currents of life, the energy flow will largely determine when we feel like a tree or when we feel like a swirling leaf. And knowing this, can help on those days, periods of time, phases in which we feel disconnected, unstable, fluttery, out of control or lost.

Remembering that even when we feel lost or we feel heartbroken because of an actual loss, our grief teaches us to strengthen the muscle of courage that we all have inside of us. The more we practice courage, the easier it becomes. Courage is an act from the heart. Coeur meaning heart in French.

If I am both a tree and a leaf, then I can TRUST, I can LET GO, I can FALL. There is NO FEAR because I know that the pain of the loss is temporary. It will come and go in waves just like everything else in life.

As a tree, I will grow new leaves. What I have lost will be regained in a new and different way according to what I need in each new season of my existence. I will rely on the fact that I am an ever-changing process. Grief will not destroy me. It will teach me. It will grow me. It will change me and transform me into my highest, wisest self.

There are always two sides to the coin just as there is always many ways to perceive reality. This Fall season I have learned that Grief is two things:

Gut OR Glory

wRenching Recovery

Internal Inside

Existential Evolved

Fear Free

How will you choose to relate with your Grief?

What will you allow Grief to teach you in this season of change and letting go?

Honor the days you feel grounded like a tree- Certain and Steady.

Honor the days you feel like a swirling leaf- Uncertain and Lost.

Both of these experiences result in the same - Birth, Life, and Death.

Wanna Talk About It?

In person groups to begin in November 2021 - NE Portland

Dear humans,

I have been in search of an office space and recently found one that might just be the one. It is spacious and open and the best part is the windows open so we can circulate fresh air. Fingers crossed!

My vision for group work has been a long time coming. I have decided to move forward with this dream of witnessing people heal people in spite of the uncertainty around covid life. Below are the groups I plan to offer. Please email me if you are interested or have questions, please forward to anyone you know who may need this in their life right now. 
 

1. Process Group: The intention here is to dive into the traumas related with family of origin. This group is for people struggling with deep seated issues stemming from first relationships (family members) that continue to hinder them in adulthood. ((Relational Trauma that looks like Difficulty with Maintaining Relationships, Poor Communication, Fear of Emotional Intimacy, Fear of Commitment, Self Sabotaging Behaviors).
 

This is a long term group with a commitment of at least 3 months and ideally you would invest in this group for 9 months if you would like to feel and see real transformation. This is a closed group - same people show up for one another once a week for 2 hours to work on whatever presents itself for each participant on that particular day. There are no topics presented, just real life experiences being shared & processed together. We are working to Be Seen, Heard, and Felt by this new family we have formed and made a commitment to.

*New participants will only be allowed to enter if something within the original group changes – for instance someone has to leave the group because they are moving or there has been a major life change that prohibits further attendance.

**This group is scheduled to begin on Wednesday, November 3rd and will run every Wednesday from 7 to 9pm. 

2. Meditation Group: This is a 6 week closed group. Same participants join each week for 6 weeks.

The intention is to assist people in understanding the importance of meditation in daily life to help manage the mental and emotional being while also dive into the physical by learning more about the brain, body, and spiritual being. This group is focused around Conscious Transformations by diving into the book called The Inner Matrix which touches on all aspects of the SELF. I like to think of it as a Life Handbook. It is informative and insightful while the meditations practiced in this group are transformational. This is for people who want to learn how to meditate and are eager to incorporate this practice for cultivating an overall sense of well-being and confidence to be & do life.

**date/time for this group is TBD. This will be a group that is offered 4 times each year so if you happen to miss the first one, you can sign up for another.
 

3. Girls Teen Group: This is a 6 week closed group. Same participants join each week for 6 weeks.

The intention is to create a safe space for teens to connect and be in community as they learn about how mindfulness helps us to focus our attention, expand our awareness, and flex the muscle of practicing kindness towards SELF & others. Participants will experience the healing that comes from feeling empathy FOR others and receiving FROM others. This is an opportunity for self exploration & collaboration to change & grow through acquiring tools for managing & caring for the mental, emotional, spiritual and physical being.

**date/time for this group is TBD. This will be a group that is offered 2 times each year so if you happen to miss the first one, you can sign up for another. My vision is to mix things up to offer a group to teen boys and perhaps a preteen group as well.

Ride the Middle

The last few months out of covid life (before the Delta showed up) had been good with the all too common challenge of finding balance between doing too much and setting time aside for rest.

It’s as though life is synonymous with the ongoing practice of trying to maintain balance.

Speaking of balance and working to stay centered, I’ve been making more of an effort to finish the books I’ve started. The Untethered Soul by Michael Singer has a chapter called ‘the secret of the middle way.’ In this chapter, he introduces the spiritual teaching of the Tao te Ching where Lao-tzu discusses ‘the Tao’ which translated means ‘the Way’.

Singer says ‘The Tao is so subtle that one can only talk around its edges, but never actually touch it.’ The Tao te Ching lays down the principles of life as the balance of the yin and the yang, the feminine and the masculine, the dark and the light.

In this classic Chinese text, the Laozi explains that Tao is the underlying natural order of the Universe with its essence being too difficult to limit. Tao is not a name for a thing, but rather a practice that is lived, experienced and felt. Much like Life.

A metaphor to better understand the Tao is the pendulum which swings from one extreme to the other. The extremes are: yin and yang, expansion and contraction, non-doing and doing.

Singer describes ‘Everything has two extremes. Everything has gradations of the pendulum swing. If you go to the extremes, you cannot survive. If you pull a pendulum out one way, it will swing back just that far the other way. The Tao is in the middle. It’s the place where there is no energy pushing in either direction. The Way is the place in which the forces balance quietly. And indeed, unless you go out of the Way, they will tend to stay in peaceful harmony.’

‘If you want to understand the Tao, you must take a closer look at what lies between the two extremes because neither extreme can last. The pendulum can only remain at one of its outermost positions for a moment, but how long can a pendulum stay at rest? It can remain there forever because there are no forces moving it out of balance. That is the Tao. It is the center. Everything has its own balance point because everything has its yin and yang. It is the harmony of all these balance points, woven together that forms the Tao.’

What Tao is Not

A few months ago, I went to see Roadrunner in a small historic theater by myself. Even though I never really watched Anthony Bourdain’s shows, there was something about him that I found very intriguing. A sort of je ne sais quoi that made him stand out.

When I heard the news of his death on the radio, I was in my car in the parking lot of Bed Bath and Beyond after having just recently moved from Austin back to Portland. My initial reaction was feeling my heart sink further into my chest while my eyes welled up with tears. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. This man with one of the coolest jobs in the world took his own life! But why?

Eventually I came to better understand that Anthony Michael Bourdain was a person who suffered from mental health issues for what may have been the entirety of his life. Call it depression, call it anxiety, call it ADHD, call it addiction - the man suffered from living in extremes.

While watching the film that documents chunks of his life, you see Bourdain live with a motivating force to change his internal state by changing his external state. First a dedicated chef, then a voracious author wanting to share his experiences in the kitchen, to trotting the globe for connection and communion through food with people from all kinds of different cultures and socio-economic backgrounds.

This opportunity to see and experience the world in this unique way came with a price that ultimately led to his feeling indignant of what was happening to the strangers he met on his journeys meanwhile feeling a growing disconnection from the people closest to him back home.

I don’t know enough to write with certainty about what truly happened inside of Anthony Bourdain. What I will say based on my intuition is that he seemed to have suffered greatly from his inability to find balance and experience a sense of peace from riding in the middle.

His tendency towards addiction provoked him to seek the push and pull at all times because without it, he felt less alive and without purpose. In his later years just before passing, he inquired for people to share what they felt was the purpose to life. One of the people he asks this question to responds with ‘the purpose of my life is to accept the love that people in my life want to give me’.

Full Circle

Learning more about Tao has brought me to the conclusion that when you suffer from mental health issues, the desire to find balance and live balanced can often times feel like a huge unattainable feat.

Throw addictions into the mix to help soothe the sad and satiate the anger, and you soon discover that what you are trying to numb yourself from, is exactly what you need to feel in order to heal. The only way is through. There are no short cuts, no detours.

Tao teaches us the art of quiet balance. The freedom of the middle way where there is no push or pull, no grasping or aversion, no seeking or resistance. I like to think of Tao as the practice of savoring the present, noticing the spaces between the thoughts and the experiences. The quiet stillness that brings us back into balance with our center, our heart – where we find courage to live with acceptance of what is rather than what we desire it to be.

A good way to remind yourself to live in this balanced harmony is to remember the pendulum and when you notice yourself struggling, stop and say out loud ‘Thank you Spirit for this pause. My intention is to feel my center and live from this place so that I can know ‘the Way’.